I think we’re all guilty of it to a degree…I think. The reason we are having such a hard time believing the allegations against Bill Cosby is because we can’t reconcile what we’re hearing from these women with Dr Huxtable. He was such a great TV dad…he can’t be a molester. It doesn’t make sense.
I also think I do it more than the average person. I think. Putting people on pedestals, that is…
Thing is, if you’re someone I like – like just a platonic like – I tend to only see your good side. I concentrate so hard on people’s good sides that even their bad becomes good.
If you’re vain, I admire your ability to love yourself.
If you’re a serial dater, I admire your ability to let go and allow new love.
If you can’t be by yourself, I admire your people-person-ness…your ability to be with people.
If you’re selfish, I admire your ability to be able to say no.
If you can’t say no, I admire your selflessness.
A friend asked me to be honest with her about what I think are her flaws/weaknesses…24 hours later I still haven’t come up with anything. Ask me what I admire in her and I could write a whole essay, but the negatives… *tumbleweed rolls by*
This causes two problems:
1. I’m so busy concentrating on other’s positive traits that I forget to look for positives in myself. I am so busy looking at what I admire in them and lack in myself that I can’t possibly see what I could offer them…what value I add in their lives…and I believe it’s why I have such a difficult time trying to figure why anyone would want to be my friend (and why I feel the need to try to figure it out in the first place).
2. People are flawed. You put people on a pedestal, they are bound to let you down. People have weaknesses and there is no script, so at some point or another they will do something that you don’t like – something that goes against the perfect script you’ve written in your head…and when they do – instead of just accepting it as a mistake – it wrecks your whole view of them…because you expect only good from them, one mistake mars the perfection, and they become the mistake.
This is the Bill Cosby dilemma. He was a great actor. He was a brilliant Dr Huxtable. The Huxtables represented the black people you don’t often see on tv…the father who stays, the kids who aren’t joining gangs, the blacks who don’t speak Ebonics, the carefree black kids, the family that attained “black excellence”…the opposite of most black characters you see on TV who make it seem as if black skin is certainty of brokenness.
So we put him on a pedestal…not the character Dr Huxtable, mind you, but the person that depicted Dr Huxtable. And when his imperfection showed, it was all we could see.
Don’t get me wrong, molestation is a serious crime. It is horrible, and in cases where the victim has to live with it in silence knowing they would never be believed over the perpetrator, I would assume it feels even worse.
Having said that, as of writing this, Bill Cosby has not been found guilty. There has, as far as I am aware, been no proof of the molestation. But even so, everything I’ve ever known about him is now viewed in light of these accusations. In as much as I find it hard to reconcile Dr Huxtable with a man capable of such, I can’t ignore the 15 women who came forward with their pain…
Also, I haven’t been following all this closely at all…I’m just picking picking up stuff from tweets and headlines…so I really shouldn’t have an opinion…
And yet here I am looking at Bill Cosby like “You were supposed to be the perfect father figure, how could you let me down so badly?”
Meanwhile, Bill Cosby never owed me anything. And he never asked me to pedestalize him. He has always been human/flawed. I created perfection where there wasn’t perfection to be found. I did that.
I so badly wanna end off with some cheesy line like, “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our (Hollywood) stars, but in ourselves, that we are (/perceive ourselves to be) underlings.” but that’s too cheesy, so I won’t…I’ll end with this instead:
Convictions stick on paper. Accusations stick in the mind. And nothing is ever seen the same. – Tats Nkonzo
Our first stop in Botswana was in Gaborone. We spent two nights in Gaborone at some house. Not the greatest of accommodation, but it was clean and all the amenities were available and everything worked. The gates and burglar bars on the windows had me thinking something might go down but I sat outside till quite late and it was uber quiet…only reason I went back in doors were mosquitoes (dang mosquitoes)…
Our one day in Gabs we spent a lot of time at the Main Mall, and then we went to the 3 Dikgosi Monument which was pretty awesome…then we just spent the rest of the day driving around looking at all the buildings and stuff…
We ended off the day with dinner at Mugg n Bean at Game City Mall. We left Gaborone the next morning.
January 2014, my family and I went to Botswana. Our first stop was in Mafikeng…never been but had always wanted to being a child of Bophuthatswana. We only slept one night there but it was very cool to see all the Bop-style buildings…heartbreaking to once again be reminded of how neglected former homelands are…almost like the residents are being punished for having been forced to live in said homelands… *sigh* anyway, this post is not about that…
Below are the pictures from our one night in Mafikeng and our entrance at the border…I’m surprised they didn’t stop us from entering the country. :”D
I’m on a mission to visit all 9 South African provinces and also the countries surrounding/within SA.
So far I have been to 2 of the countries, and 6 of the provinces. I will be posting some pics from my travels…
First up – Namibia – June 2008, June 2009
Went to a camp – Namrock, an annual worship weekend in Namibia – in 2008 and at the end a group of us went to Keetmanshoop for a missions trip…was such a great and blessed week!
I take the train daily to and from work.
The evening train gets quite full because a lot of people are going home from work. Well, the third class gets quite full…the first class stays relatively empty. I have a first class ticket, but I mostly use third class. Once in a while I get brave and use the first class, but then I sit there and worry about the fact that I’m alone and I could get attacked and would anyone hear me if I screamed and and and…
The mornings…well, that’s a different story. Neither the first nor the third class is ever full in the mornings. Each person could sit in their own carriage. But as I said, sitting alone is not the wisest choice. However, the only other choice is sitting in a carriage with one or two (or like this morning, 5) strange men. Strangers. Men I don’t know. Men who could very well be the guys I’m running away from in the first class. This morning I was afraid the whole train ride from Cape Town to Bellville. Any one of them could have done something. If he did, would the others help me? Join him? Ignore the whole thing? Oh the scenarios that ran through my mind…
Which is the wiser choice in that case?
The other day I was sitting in the first class, and at the very last minute, a man steps into my carriage. Before he came on I was the only person in the carriage…so every other seat was empty. He chose to sit next to me. Not near me, but next to me. As in right next to me. Not even an inch of space. I was freaking out. My brain running all sorts of scenarios of what could happen. We said our good mornings and how are yous then sat in silence as I tried to look calm and collected and not scared senseless. 4 stops later he gets off, but before he does, he gives me a little lecture about how I shouldn’t be sitting by myself cos anything could happen…someone could come into that carriage and do whatever to me and there’d be no one there to help me. Turns out the reason he sat next to me was to offer protection.
Ironic. (or is it :p)
All that fear. All. That. Fear.
I was afraid of the protector. Who then told me as he got off that I need to be afraid. *sigh* It’s all very tiring.
So again I ask, which is the wiser option?
(Don’t use public transportation would probably be the wisest choice…but what if that’s not an option?)
My little two cents to add to the #YesAllWomen movement…
As a kid I used to have major birthday parties…as an adult, not so much. But here I stand, 30 years in the making…
This year I had a VERY understated celebration…simple dinner with a friend , then drinks and dancing and taste of Cape Town with another friend.
I also had lunch with my mom in Cape Town and dinner with the siblings and my dad in PE…
There was also more drinks and dancing with the siblings… (Can’t believe my younger siblings are old enough to go clubbing and drinking, but alas…)
Beach visits are a must while in PE obvs…
Summer also decided to make a comeback, which I took full advantage of…and I also played Cape Town tourist…
So here I stand, 30 years of life…looking forward to the next 30!
So now I bid good night to a beautiful month…
Thank you, birthday month. You have been awesome!
I am 30 years old. I am old. I am wise. Heed my words. :)
Jokes…sort of. Anyway, this is the obligatory “30 lessons in 30 years” post. Basically it’s lessons that I have learned from the past and want to carry into the future…just thought I’d put them down in written form…easier to remember/revisit.
1) know thyself…your likes, dislikes, desires, and most importantly your worth.
2) life is so much easier when you accept who you are and stop trying to be other people.
3) not everyone will get you, that’s okay.
4) some will stay even though they don’t get you…they are keepers
5) when it’s all said and done, it will be the people in your life who mean the most…start appreciating them now…make time for them now…”if you live life there’s no society, in the end there won’t be”
6) don’t settle
7) you don’t have to play by THEIR rules – get married, don’t get married, have kids, get a puppy instead, a cat even…do you!
8) not everyone has the same goals, dreams, desires, and financial lanes. stick to yours and you’ll do fine.
9) money might change your circumstances, but it won’t necessarily make you happy.
10) some people will stick around just to watch you fall…
11) if you do fall, fall in style, and get back up again
12) placing people on too high a pedestal will only lead to them letting you down…no one is perfect.
13) surround yourself with friends and acquaintances who are better than you in the areas you want to improve yourself in and let them be your motivation
14) have role models/mentors…people in whom you see traits you aspire to, but understand that they are also fallible humans.
15) listen to the wisdom of the old…i know in the moment it seems like no one could possibly understand what you’re going through, but trust me, they’ve also been there before
16) when someone lets you down, remember they were only ever human…the perfection you saw in them was your own projection…learn to see it and build it in yourself
17) let them label you if they must, but don’t let the labels restrict/define you
18) life is too short, and there are no do-overs. find what you love and do that…even if it’s part-time/weekend hobby, “find what you love and let it kill you”
19) read – it’s the cheapest way to experience what is beyond your means/resources
20) laugh! laugh! laugh! after all, laughter is the best medicine
21) your gift is yours; use it! don’t dim your light, others need it
22) hindsight is in 20/20. if you knew then what you know now, you may have done things differently, but you didn’t, and you can’t go back and re-do it. learn from your mistakes, mend the relationships, then move on.
23) stay as young as possible for as long as possible…you have enough time ahead to grow up
24) it hurts now, and it seems like the hurt will never end, but it will…
25) “question religion, question it all. question existence until them questions is solved” doubting/questioning/seeking is not the opposite of faith
26) there is no instruction manual, no right and wrong, no perfection, just what works for you
27) the rain falls on the good and the evil alike. sometimes bad people prosper and good people fail…do good anyway…
28) do good to others. do unto others as you would have them do unto you. not for a reward, sometimes it will go unseen, but you’ll be a blessing unto yourself
29) forgiveness is very healing. forgiving others releases you from the pain of hate and baggage of unforgiveness
30) love is good. love is beautiful. love!