Archive for the ‘thoughts’ Category
Learning to fall
Posted on: May 10, 2012
[i wrote this the other day on one of my other blogs and i kinda liked it so i thought i'd share it here as well...it's all fiction by the way]
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He said he loved her. She looked deep into his eyes, saw that it was true, kissed him, and turned around to walk away.
He grabbed her arm, “aren’t you gonna say it back?”
“Say what back?” she asked
“That you love me too” he replied
“I didn’t realise you saying you love me was a question”
“It wasn’t”
“Then why are you waiting for a response?”
He sighed heavily. “Why do you always have to make everything so difficult?”
“I don’t know…I wish I knew…I gotta go”
She left the room.
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He turned her face towards his: “I love you”. She looked deep into his eyes, saw that it was true, kissed him, and said “I know” then turned her attention back to the movie then whispered “I know” in a somewhat-defeated tone.
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As they sat on the ground enjoying the indoor picnic, listening to the sound of the rain outside and the crackling fire in the fireplace, she suddenly looked up and into his eyes and blurted out “I love you”. He believed it, believed it more than anything he had ever believed in before. She looked like a deer caught in the headlights. She had said it, she hadn’t meant to…it just slipped out. He read the panic in her eyes, pulled her in close into a hug and let her head fall on his chest, and let his heartbeat do the talking for him.
That was the day she learned to fall.
Excesses and balances
Posted on: May 8, 2012
- In: my life | thoughts
- 2 Comments
“You act as if there’s some virtue in living a long, flavourless life. My excesses will kill me, but they have made my life worth living.”
- Kitchen Confidential, S01E03
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So, Kitchen Confidential is a TV series starring Bradley Cooper as a chef. In this specific episode, his old chef-teacher visits his restaurant and tells BC that he is dying, and he wants BC to cook him the most richest of foods so he will die happy. BC agrees at first, but then his conscience gets the better of him and he decides he’s going to tell his chef-teacher to start eating healthier etc etc. Oh, also BC used to be an alcoholic and druggie and a bunch of stuff and he recently went clean and yea…
Anyway, so when he confronts his chef-teacher about “going clean” and taking better care of himself, the chef-teacher responds with the quote above.
Which got me thinking:
I am a full believer in living life to the full. You only get one life, one lifetime of experiences…and you really never know when your time will be up. So do you go all out, experience it all? Do you stuff your face with all your favorite, maybe-not-so-healthy food, or eat salads everyday? Buy all the gadgets and trinkets your heart desires or save up for a rainy day? Work hard now and save up all your adventures for retirement, or live the adventure now and hope you won’t live too long being a burden on your grown children? Give some extra money to charity, or spend it on life-insurance/medical-aid/etc in case you need it someday?
There’s gotta be a balance somewhere, right? Obviously you can over-do it on both ends. But where exactly is the balance?
For instance, money: I’m really bad at saving up and really good at spending. When i got my first job in high school my parents forced me to save up. Now that I don’t live with my parents anymore, they don’t have any say in my money anymore, so guess who’s in debt. I know that I need to save up for that rainy day and all, but then again, what if the rainy day never comes? What if I walk outside right now, get run over by a car, die…and never get to buy that beautiful pair of boots I saw that I felt I couldn’t afford right now? What if I never get to live in my dream flat because I would rather live in squalor so i can save up for that reasonably priced house I’ll live in someday? What if I never live because…I’ll do it someday…
There’s a saying, “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”. Many people may live that way, but I’ve always said about food, “I’d rather live 50 years and enjoy cheesecake, and chocolate brownies, and wine, than live on celery sticks so I can spend an extra 50 years eating celery sticks.”
“I’m here for a good, not a long, time” – Childish Gambino.
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Thoughts? [i feel like I have written a few many times about this very subject this year...maybe God's telling me this message and, instead of taking it in, I just keep passing it on to others...scary!]
Remembering MaPule
Posted on: April 24, 2012
- In: my life | thoughts
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MaRanthako/MaPule
Halfway through grade 11 I moved and started a new school. Because I had never done Afrikaans in my life, and my new school didn’t offer French, I started taking Sesotho as my second language (English being first). I figured I would do better at that since I am a Motswana and Sesotho is similar to Setswana. My Sotho teacher was named Mme MaPule. Some of the other students called her Mme MaRanthako though. I later found out that this was because she had recently got married, and Pule was her husbands surname.
I found myself thinking about her today, after not even seing her in 10 years. She actually passed away – last year, I think – in a car accident. Anyway, some Mme MaPule memories:
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i) One day I was walking with my friends Nthabi and Pascalina and a girl comes running up to us and tells us that Mme MaPule (who shall hence forth be referred to as Mme) wanted to see Nthabi and Pascalina, and that there was a third girl but she didn’t know who that other girl was. I sighed in relief when they asked her if the third name was Tsholofelo and she said no. Then she said the name was Mpuru (my surname), and I groaned. We were complaining the whole way to her class, assuming we knew why it is she had called us…and it turned out we were right – she wanted us to mark her 3 Business Economics class test papers. Bear in mind, Nthabi and I had never done BE as a subject and we knew absolutely nothing.
ii) One day we walk into class and, after a week of absence, Mme was back at school. Throughout the class she kept doing this shivering thing and making loud noises…like “BRRRR”…like she was cold or something. And everytime she did the whole class would laugh. Eventually she says to us, “bana ba ka, ska tshehang. Ha ke iketse, ke ronngwe” (My children, don’t laugh. I’m not doing it on purpose, I’ve been sent.) and we all kinda looked at each other like, “wait, you are a priest in a born-again Christian church…how does that even happen?”
Point of clarification: when I say sent, I mean like sent on an errand by the ancestors. Like, her body was going to keep doing that until she had done whatever errand the ancestors sent her on.
iii) My very first day in Sotho class, Mme asked me something and I responded with “Eya” (yes). And she said “Eya eng?” (yes what?). I just looked at her in confusion. Her: “Eya ntja?” (yes dog?) Me: still confused. One of my classmates whispers: “Eya Mme” (Yes m’am), and I repeated it. She looks at me and shakes her head like I’m some kind of a lost cause. I relearned that day that in Sotho cultures (and most other black South African cultures) you can’t just say “yes” or “no” to an adult, you have to add “Mme” (M’am/Mother) or Ntate (Sir/Father) to it.
iv) While handing back graded test papers after my very first Sotho test ever, Mme calls me out and says “Tsholofelo, hobaneng o thetsa batho ba baholo?” (T, why are you lying to your elders). Me: *shocked* “Nna Mme?” (Me, M’am) [yoh, but this translation thing though...] Her: “Eya, wena. Hobaneng one o nthetsa ore ha o soka o etsa sesotho” (yes you. why did you lie to me and tell me you’ve never done sotho?) Me: “Ha ke soka ke se etsa, Mme” (I’ve never done it m’am) Her: “Hobaneng, heh, e le wena fela a pasitseng test ye bana babang ba feitse?” (why, then, are you the only one who passed this test and everyone else failed?) Me: “Mme ha ka o thetsa…ke stadiyile.” (M’am I’m not lying…I studied) . Her: “stadiyile keng ka sesotho?” (what is studied in sesotho?) Me: “Eh…”
Point of clarification: stadiyile is the sothofication of the word studied, it’s not an actual sotho word.
v) When I was in matric I wore a ring on my left ring finger, and without fail, every single time I went to her class she’d make me take it off. She said that if I wear a ring on that finger before I get engaged then I would never get married…looks like she may have been right. Oh, and one time she asked me who my boyfriend was and because I didn’t want to talk about such with her, I told her I don’t date cos my parents say I’m too young to date, and she says “if they won’t let you date, how are you ever going to find a husband? are they gonna marry you?”
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I just realised how much I really miss Mme MaPule. She was one of my fave teachers while I was at Brebner. I didn’t always like the fact that she used up my afternoons with grading papers and such, but she cared, and she was like a mother to us – when you live at hostel, you need such – and we could always talk to her about stuff and ask her for advise, and she was oh so funny!
*sigh* RIP!
So you know how I used to blog…
Posted on: April 16, 2012
- In: my life | thoughts
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It’s been a while.
I went on holiday for a week and a half and it threw my schedule for a loop.
I have an RSS Feed overflowing with as yet unread posts, hence no reads of the week.
I’ll be back shortly, I promise.
For now though, one more time before I get off this bad blacks thing, here’s a link:
http://www.thoughtleader.co.za/zama/2011/10/04/what-makes-you-a-bad-black/
And I really liked this post:
http://www.thoughtleader.co.za/zama/2011/10/07/black-middle-class-middle-child-guilt/
both by Zama Ndlovu (@JoziGodess)
Continuation…read part 1 here
3. Why I believe the term was racist:
The fighting in Grabouw was between black people and coloured people. The DA says it is caused by too many people moving from the Eastern Cape and using up the resources of the Western Capers…now which people do you think those are? I’m pretty sure she wasn’t talking about white people. Because let’s face it, when white people move to the western cape, they generally move into the suburbs where schools are not overcrowded, and no one is going to accuse them of using up western cape’s resources.
When black people move to the WC they move into the already overcrowded townships, and their kids enroll in the already overcrowded schools, which is why people were fighting for lack of service delivery. Cape Town is flippin expensive to live in, and the average South African person cannot afford to live in the surburbs.
4. Why I’m angry with white people:
“I don’t see why it’s a racist remark” “I don’t see why black people are offended by it” “Cape Town is not racist, Cape Town is a city – a city can’t be racist, people are racist”
Of course you don’t understand why a black person would be offended because YOU ARE NOT BLACK! Go live in a country that restricts your movements to only certain places because of your race then come and tell me you are ok with the new “democratic” government doing the same thing. For years, black people were told where they can and can’t go and where they can and can’t live, and now that we live in a new democratic country we are still being told to stay in our designated province? And y’all don’t see a problem with that. Ok.
A city is not a city without the people in it. If the majority of people in the city are racist, then I deem that city to be racist. Also, I believe the City of Cape Town enables racism. When the majority of white people live in comfy houses in the surburbs and the majority of black people live in overcrowded squalor in the townships, I deem that city to be racist. When the lovely surburbs get better service delivery than the poor people, I deem that city to be racist.
I should also add, I think most racist Cape Tonians aren’t intentionally racist. They honestly don’t realise that they things they say/do are offensive to black people. So we tend to cut them some slack…but then when does it end?
In conclusion: No one, not even people in the Eastern Cape – not one South African citizen that I know of, disagrees that the Eastern Cape education system is in disarray and something needs to be done about it. The province is known for it’s corruption, and the government can’t afford to sit back and do nothing about it. However, pretending Cape Town is a republic unto it’s own, and telling Eastern Cape people to stay where they belong, is wrong…it is definitely not the solution.
And to be honest, if the DA had just apologised for the use of the word, or better yet, thought about the implicatiions of using that word and selected a different word to use, they would have had a lot more support for their cause, but they didn’t. They just tried to justify it.
As the twitter famous Khaya Dlanga said, Helen Zille (and I would add the rest of the DA, and those unintentionally racist Cape Tonians I was talking about), aren’t necessarily racist, they are just really insensitive towards black people.
- In: thoughts
- 2 Comments
This comment on yesterday’s post was long enough to be a post on it’s own, as was the response to the comment. So decided to make it an actual post.
And thanks, Sterrekind, for the comment. Dialogue is always good, even when we disagree.
The comment:
“Hey, I have read a little bit about this now, because, as usual, I came in at the backside of the news…
I usually agree with your blog and we think the same a lot of the time. However, not this time, and that is why I feel the need to comment and voice my opinion, even if we disagree. Maybe we just misunderstand each other, but I feel the need to give my two cents.
As a white, South African woman, spending a bunch of time in the community, openly debating issues, defending people when others are being openly racist ect. I see my self a quite open-minded. But this time I am on the “white” side of things. Firstly, I think the race-card is just being over-played. Why do people not debate the issue, debate why using the term “refugee” is wrong, but immediately call race? Only when it is said by a white politician. But when the ANC retaliates by saying the DA is a “white, racist party” or that the DA uses blacks as “window dressing” (both statements from the Jackson Mthembu, spokesperson of the ANC, no-one claims their statements as racist.
History shows that black politicians can say pretty much what they want, but when Zille makes a comment about a term that is inherently non-racial, everyone is up in arms. Basically, the eastern cape has crap services and people come to the western cape to get those services. What on earth is wrong with saying that? Zille has proven herself time and again as being a strong leader who works hard to make a positive change in the western cape, and now people crucify her for making this statement, which was pulled entirely out of context. Frankly, I am tired of racial debates, tired of people blame-shifting, finger-pointing and voicing one-sided opinions only when they benefit. Not saying this blog, talking about politicians and the media.
I was at the Cape Town carnival on saturday and it was amazing to see the integration of different races and cultures. There were very little white people in the carnival, but that’s fine, as we are the minority. I don’t see anyone pointing out racism there. It was great to see how we can work together to celebrate our different heritages, learn by seeing each others dances, clothes, languages, music ect. I really was so proud.
I feel we should celebrate what we have, rather than reverting to name-calling and finger-pointing in every situation. This whole drama has lead to articles in international news like this one:http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/23/world/africa/in-cape-town-many-black-south-africans-feel-unwelcome.html?_r=3&pagewanted=all
The article is biased, only quotes one-sided sources and is being sensationalistic. Often issues that are to do with education, community development, financial inequality ect immediately get turned into race. Somewhere we have to look to the future and start to change things, not go back and keep looking for excuses why things don’t get better.
Turned into a long comment, but hey, that’s my opinion.”
The response:
I have never claimed that the remarks the ANC makes aren’t racist. In fact, most of the time they are FULLY racist…and, unlike Zille’s faux pas, intentionally so.
I did not disagree with the Zille’s message. The Eastern Cape is in disarray, and something needs to be done about it. I, however, am offended by the use of the term “refugee”…educational or otherwise.
Here’s the thing: Zille is seeking black votes…that’s not a secret. South Africa is still a black majority country, and in order for her to get the power/resources/whatever to make the changes she wants to make in this country, she’s gonna need black people to vote for her. The ANC has the black vote. The race thing is their “Ace of Spades”…their trump card. They will always use the race card where they think it benefits them. Zille keeps giving them ammo to use against her in that regard.
Black people say they’re offended by a term – not her message, just the term – and instead of her apologizing for the offence she takes to twitter and blogs and such to defend the use of the term…(the second part of the post goes up next tuesday and speaks more on this.)
And about that article you linked: I’m pretty sure most black people would agree that they see cape town as a “white” province and the DA a “white” party – not saying they’re right, but that is how they perceive it. And as much as apartheid is over, the effects are still very visible, and we cannot run away from that. The economic divide in SA is a direct result of apartheid, and until the divide is eradicated, unfortunately it will always be tied back to race
Having said all this: I am not a member of the ANC, never been a member of any political party…I try to vote on merit and the issues at hand (service delivery, etc) as much as possible, so I am not justifying the ANC’s racist remarks, I am simply saying that I, as an individual, am offended by being called a refugee. And I am also offended when, instead of being asked how I feel or why I feel that way, I am told that I shouldn’t feel a certain way and am told how I should feel instead.
And now I’m even more offended by Zille implying that by being offended by the term refugee I am xenophobic.
- In: thoughts
- 3 Comments
This blog was supposed to be about my Christian journey. But recently, it has started to become about my journey into what is referred to on twitter as “bad blacks.” Yea, I was fully against that term as well when I first read it…and I still think it’s a bad term, but the more I move to that side of South African twitterville, the more I find myself identifying myself with it.
What is a bad black? you ask. From what I’ve read (and I could be wrong on this), a bad black is a black South African who lives in the surburbs, got a good (private/model-c school) education, most often than not speaks with a twang, but is still more likely to vote ANC than the DA, and will call Helen Zille racist and be offended by terms such as “Professional Black” and “Refugees” and add to the CapeTownIsRacist twitter hashtag.
The reason I decided to write this post is because I found myself infuriated by the majority of white people in Cape Town this past week. A whole lot of them were saying that Black people are overeacting with this refugees thing. They justified the use of term. They defended Zille’s use of the term. They said that they don’t see why that term is racist. And they felt that the outcry over the use of term was just taking the attention off the real problem – ie the education system in the ANC-run Eastern Cape.
I am not from the Eastern Cape, but I was offended by the term. Let me tell you why:
1. The use of the word refugee:
Some definitions from the web: a. “A person who has been forced to leave their country in order to escape war, persecution, or natural disaster.” b. “One who flees in search of refuge, as in times of war, political oppression, or religious persecution.”
White people across twitterville said that Zille was using the second definition, and that makes it ok. No it doesn’t. As a South African citizen I have the right to live anywhere in South Africa without having my reasons questioned. There is a huge difference between relocating, and fleeing. Last I checked, the Western Cape, while run by DA, is still part of the Republic of South Africa, and any South African citizen had the right to move for whatever reason they see fit.
Are black people who leave Cape Town to move to Joburg to find jobs also refugees? Cos I know a lot of them. They moved, not because they didn’t like Cape Town, but because they couldn’t find work in Cape Town. Joburg isn’t crying foul and calling them refugees. Why? Because they have a constitutional right to do so.
2. Context of the use of the term:
As I mentioned, a lot of white people felt the outcry was diverting attention from the Eastern Cape’s educational system. A lot of black people, however, felt that the term had been used to divert attention from what was happening in Grabouw. People take to the streets because of lack of service delivery, and the DA claims that it’s because people moved there from the Eastern Cape…really???
So, this post is becoming a little too long, so I’ve decided to make it a 2-part-post.
Your name
Posted on: March 15, 2012
All of a sudden someone mentions your name:
And then it all comes rushing back
and i remember why i fell
i remember your poetic words
your smile
your laugh
the music of your soul
and i start to doubt myself
was i blind
how could i have let you go
it all comes rushing back
the good times
the memories
that one time at the place when that security was chasing us
we were happy
we thought it would never end
and i start to question my decisions
am i broken
how could i have let you go
the world comes to a halt
my mind spins out of control
thought after thought
memory after memory
it all just seemed better then
but then it all came rushing back
the harsh words
that time you put your fist through the window
through the coffee table
kicked out the door
everytime i cowered in the corner
wondering if i’d be next
and i remember that i’m better without you
i was broken, but now i’m happy
that’s why i had to let you go
Is Kony famous yet?
Posted on: March 13, 2012
- In: thoughts
- 2 Comments
Last week sometime a video went viral on the interwebs, it’s mission: to make Kony famous. As person after person retweeted the video and posted it on Facebook, I started to wonder who this Kony person was, and why everyone wanted to make him famous. Then I watched the video and it broke my heart.
If you haven’t watched it yet, here you go:
According to Myers-Briggs I am a feeling introvert. I tend to keep my thoughts and opinions to myself (or I write them down, hence this blog), and I make decisions based more on feeling than logic – which is not always a good thing, I must admit. I have noticed about myself though, that I tend to be more outspoken when there are strong feelings attached to my thoughts and opinions. After watching that video, I felt that I had to do whatever I could to play part in the catching of Kony. As Brooke Fraser says in “Albertine”, now that I have seen I am responsible.
Lots of articles have gone out, and some facebook statuses/tweets questioning the campaign and the NGO behind the campaign. here’s how I see it: the dude behind the campaign made a promise to a Kony victim some years back to do everything in his power to catch Kony, and that’s what he’s been doing ever since. He didn’t make a promise to feed the starving children of Africa, or to support doctors without borders, or any of the other awesome and noble things that charities do. He set out to make the story of those kids who were abducted and abused by Kony known. And that’s what he’s doing. And yes, the bulk of the money given to that ngo goes to film-making and travelling and and and, but that’s what they do. Their goal is to make the invisible children, visible. And I think that video did that. And I’m sure you feel that there are worthier causes to give your money to – that’s fine: that’s your calling, and this is is his. (For those who want to support the cause, but not this specific NGO, there are others helping those Kony victims in that area, but in different aspects – check out Watoto for instance, or do your own search and find one you agree with.)
I’ve also read that the NGO exaggerated the number children who were abducted. Ok, so if it was 10000 kids instead of the 30000 they said, we shouldn’t catch Kony? I watched that video and heard one kid’s story – Jacob – and that one story made me want to support the cause…that one story, that one child, is important.
Many are questionning why the internet has to be flooded with all this Kony talk – why make Kony famous? Because most people don’t know, and those who do, forget. People will watch that video and then next week, they’ll watch the new rebecca Black song – that will go viral – and forget all about Jacob. The US government got involved because it’s people asked them to. If the people forget, then the government stops caring…they really have nothing to gain out of catching Kony except to look good in their people’s eyes…if no one’s looking, they don’t have to do anything.
Another thing that was raised was the NGO’s connection with the Ugandan militia. They said that the NGO financially supports the militia…however, from what I read from Invisible Children (the NGO), while Kony is not in Uganda at the moment, he is still at large in neighbouring countries – ie DRC – and he is still dangerous, and the Ugandan military, who have been tracking him all this time and were involved in scaring him out of Uganda in 2006, is the most equipped and able to help catch Kony. The funding is going towards the training and equipping of these soldiers with the aid of 100 military consultants from the US in order that they may be able to catch Kony.
All of this is very she-said-he-said. Eveyone has their own opinion, and their own data/reasons to support that opinion.
anyway, here’s my opinion on the matter: I don’t have the means to go out myself and catch Kony, though I fully believe he should be caught. I believe he should be arrested and put on trial and justice served. Because I can’t do it myself, I lend my resources (eg my online presence) to aid those who can. I retweet, I post on facebook, I blog about it, because, let’s face it, the internet has the attention span of a goldfish, and next week something else is gonna come up and we will move on. That’s sad. So if I can help people remember, then that’s what I wanna do.
I don’t know if I necessarily agree with Invisible Children’s method of getting things done…but I do know they are doing SOMETHING. Most people bashing their methods aren’t doing anything, or even trying to come up with alternatives. And if we keep bashing people whenever they dare to stand up and do something, how long till they decide that maybe it’s not worth it…maybe we should all just sit back and do nothing.
Just my 2c.
#MakeKonyFamous #StopKony #Kony2012
Like it’s my last…
Posted on: February 14, 2012
You know the saying: “live everyday like it’s your last, cos one day you’ll be right”. People like saying that, but it’s pretty impossible to live your whole life like it’s your last day on earth. To be honest, if I knew for certain that this was my last day on earth I would not be spending it sitting behind a computer on such a lonely day (or even a bad day). I’d love to say that I would spend the day with loved ones letting them know that I love and appreciate them…and maybe I would do that for like the first half of the day. The second half – depending on the weather – would either be spent doing all the things I’ve always wanted to do but never had the courage to do (ie bungee jumping, sky diving, ect) cos if something goes wrong and I die…oh well, saved me a couple of hours of waiting, or if I lose a limb – being armless for a couple of hours is kinds worth it. If it’s an overcast, gloomy day, I might spend it in front of a fireplace with a glass of wine reminiscing over the life I had. Maybe shed a tear or two. Maybe dance in the rain, cos I’m not afraid of catching a cold. Anyway…
The thing is though, I can’t live like that. I spend my days in front of a pc eight hours a day because I know tomorrow is coming. And I know tomorrow I will need food and clothing and this weekend I’m gonna want macaroons and truth coffee, and next week there’s a gig I want to see, etc. You can’t live everyday like it’s your last. But you can live everyday to the full.
Be happy. Be happy. Be happy. Yes, you work 8 hours, but hopefully you love your job and it brings you fulfilment and makes you happy. But if you don’t like your job, then find something in it you do love – the people you work with, the change you’re making in the world, etc. If you really can’t find one thing you love about it, quit. Find something else that’s not gonna eat at your soul. Find something you love doing after work so you’ll have something to look forward to at the end of the day. Don’t let a day go by wasted. Find something to laugh about every day. Just DON’T hate your life.
Be happy. I implore you.
The bible says that Christ came to give us life in abundance…not when his kingdom comes, but in the now. In the here. Live in abundance. Love everyday you are alive.
I don’t always get this whole loving your life thing right. But trust me when I say a day never goes by without me laughing. The sun never sets without me doing something I absolutely love – or at the very least eating something super unhealthy that my body is seriously craving – worry about those calories later, enjoy your meal in the moment.
And don’t get me wrong, I’m not preaching over-indulgence and selfishness. That thing you love could be helping others – doing something you love that will benefit others.
I need to do more of this. Living. And loving life.
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on the whole laughing everyday thing: last week was probably the worst week of my life. everything was just kinda falling apart around me. work stuff, home stuff, friend stuff…and through it all I found things to laugh about. and i think that saved my sanity. i think i would have completely lost it if hadn’t laughed through it. i’m beyond grateful for the gift of laughter – that God gave me the ability to laugh at the smallest of things.
i’m still going through stuff right now, so your thoughts and prayers would be muchly appreciated.
Oh, and happy Valentine’s day y’all! LOVE 
