Posts Tagged ‘crush’
she could have sworn that smile was for her. she could have sworn that he had smiled at the sight of her walking through the doors. but she wasn’t going to let that happen again. she was older, she was wiser, she now recognised the way in which her mind and heart had always tricked her in the past.
she didn’t dare look at him. she looked up, down, stared out the window, down at the table in front of her…anywhere but at him…which proved quite difficult with him standing on the stage in front of her. but she was determined. if she looked at him and he was looking at her, she would do something stupid…like smile…and give away her feelings…so she focused on not looking at him.
“why did i agreed to come to this gig with kelly in the first place?” she wondered. “this is definitely not condusive to getting over him.”
as the last notes of the last song rang out she knew it was time to get going.
“oh come on, there’s one more band…please let’s stay” kelly begged
she was in the middle of going through all the excuses why they couldn’t stay when she heard that voice…
the voice that had the power to somehow make her heart stop and beat faster simultaneously
the voice she had fallen in love with over 5 years ago
the voice she thought she’d wake up next to for the rest of her life…at least until last month when he told her that it wasn’t working for him anymore.
she turned around to see the eyes that went with that voice looking at her, and in that moment she knew she would forever be in love with that smile…
found at Letters I’ll Never Send
The reason why you carry on.
Because even though you’ve had your heart broken so many times, over and over again, guy after guy or girl after girl, you find the strength to keep going.
It’s because when you find someone
At the supermarket
On the street
A friend of a friend
At your group of friends but you never noticed
On the bus, train, coffee shop, somewhere in the world
When you find someone and your eyes crush, and your heart beats and your hands sweat and you don’t know what to say or what to do and you pray week after week just to be able to see that person again, time after time ’till you find the right amount of courage to just say hi, and say hi again, maybe have a conversation or just smile…
And their smile gives you butterflies.
In that moment when you realise that your ex? The one that broke your heart? That being is nothing when compared to this new person that you don’t even know but want to. Because you feel so much more with just one look that you felt in 2, 3, 4 months or years of kissing and touching. You need to know this person. Who might just be the one.
When small things make you the happiest person alive. When in truth, nothing else or no one else matters.
It’s called love. We all look for it and we all try again, even if our heart lies in pieces. We know there’s someone out there that can glue it. To perfection.
Yes, we have to be careful. The one who fixes your heart can break it too. And this time it is possible that no one can fix it.
You know this is the reason why you carry on
When you know it can hurt
But you take a leap of faith.
And you don’t care
All you see… is the chance to fall in love
you’re an amazing human being
you’re a rare speciment in this day and age
everytime i think i’ve got you figured, you prove me wrong
you’re always surprising me
you’re genuine and real
different…weird…but in a good way
you inspire me
you make me think
you cause me to want to be a better person
the kind of person who’s worthy of you
don’t ever change
[side note: this may or may not be about you. it may also be about my oldest crush, albert einstein - jokes! also, the title is the title of an album by wakey!wakey!...dig that album]
When u talk to me
When u give me all your time – your undivided attention
My heart beats faster with every passing second
Everytime I look up and see u looking at me
My head shoots a million questions
– did I say something stupid?
– did I do something stupid?
– what are u thinking right now?
Everytime u smile like that I fall a little deeper in-love
Everytime u make me smile my heart stops just a little
Everytime I’m near u I feel like the luckiest girl alive
I wish I could get inside ur head for a second
– know ur thorts
– know how u feel
– know u
Maybe then I’d stop being in-love…alone…
so for the most part i enjoy being single. [i just read this other blog that pretty much says that if you need to keep telling others/yourself that then it's probably not true...ha ha] honestly though, i do. i like being able to make plans on the spot without worrying about having to check with someone else. i love the freedom and distractionlessness of being single; my time is my time – although not really cos it’s really God’s time, but when you’re single you can do what you want when you want and don’t have to worry about making the effort to spend time with that other person or consider someone else when making major life decisions etc etc [this is probably why i've always been better at long distance relationships than close not-distance ones]
the only time i hate being single is when i have a ticket to freakin just jinjer and no one to go with…i mean if, you know, that ever happened, which i don’t know if it ever would…and maybe that’s a little too specific and ok, moving on…
oh and also when you are sitting with a couple and you’re the third wheel and they are all couply and i think “i want that”.
oh and also when i happen to like someone and think they would make a great boyfriend but they don’t feel the same way about me.
other than that though i totally LOVE being single (was that too much? a little too “who are trying to convince here?”).
my problem with it though, is that i’m at that age where my friends are getting coupled and married. and i am super happy for them, but then it makes me feel like i’m kinda left on the shelf. also, i have third wheel syndrome – i hate being the third wheel – and so the more my friends are getting coupled the less i feel like i can’t hang out with them and so the more i feel alone. i used to be one of those people who can go to concerts by themselves and totally have a ball, until i started going with other people and found out what a vibe it is, now i can’t go to concerts alone anymore so then i end up missing out on a lot of stuff because i don’t have people to go with…that sucks!
i’ve been single for a while now. partly by choice, partly not.
i’d rather be single than settle for some guy just cos he’s interested – that’s the choice part. i mean if i was desperate and really over the singlehood thing i could find a boyfriend – it’s really not that hard. what is hard if finding someone of quality who is worth the effort and time and risks involved in a relationship. those aren’t so easy to come by. and while i’m not actively looking, once in a while a quality guy will happen to wonder into my world and then trouble starts up. and i sit there and think “Daddy, if he’s not the one why would you bring him into my world and let me get hurt?” because finding someone you think is quality doesn’t mean he thinks you are as well – that’s the not choice part. it’s hard enough finding that person – especially if you’re not looking for him, but it’s harder when the feelings aren’t returned.
and there’s also that God’s timing thing i have to abide by so that’s also not a my choice thing. thing is, if there is a “the one” then i see how God’s timing works there. but if there isn’t, if there is free will in who you end up with, then how does God’s timing come into play. i believe in God’s soveriegnity right, but i also believe he gave us freedom of choice. i read on another blog someone talking on this singleness issue and talking about God’s timing and then in the comments someone else pointed out that maybe that time is now – God is giving you the green light and you’re just not capitalising on it. for instance, if you go to the same places and hang out with the same people and don’t expose yourself to finding someone, will you find someone. cos, i mean, God is able to bring the guy to your front door but he generally doesn’t work like that, so them maybe you’re at home waiting for the guy, and he’s at home waiting for you, and nothing ever happens cos you’re both just sitting there waiting. but then in the same breath, the bible says to wait on God – trust in Him and He will give you the desires of your heart. all so freakin confusing.
i made a promise to myself that i would not date anyone unless i thought it had long term potential. no dating for the sake of dating. no dating just because i’m lonely and want a boyfriend. no dating just because i want someone to take to concerts/movies/social events. no dating just because i want someone to have sushi mondays with. so i remain single until i can find a guy who’ll me more than just an accessory, who’ll be a companion and friend and shoulder and partner and and and. and in the meantime i try to enjoy my single status. and i surround myself with people to keep loneliness away.
you’re too stiff
no stand still
hands do something
well, what do you usually do?
pick up something
put it back down
don’t look so cheesy
stop looking so depressed
not so loud!!!
crap, he’s looking this way
pretend you didn’t notice
stop starring at him!
can they hear my heart trying to escape my chest cavity?
can they tell i’m struggling to breathe?
is he still looking?
just one quick glance
now he’s walking this way
just act normal
what is normal anyway?
just…i don’t know
i told my friend about you today. i just couldn’t keep it a secret anymore. it was exploding out of me and i was afraid that i was gonna end up telling you. she doesn’t think it’s a good idea. i agree. i mean if it was an idea – if it was something that i had just decided on – then i would get rid of it immediately. i would choose to believe differently. but i’ve learned that it’s not that easy. i’ve tried to feel differently. i’ve mapped out all the reasons why i shouldn’t feel like i do, and why it’s wrong, and why it could never work…and why it’s a bad idea. i truly believe those reasons. they make sense. what i’m feeling doesn’t.
i told another friend about you today. she looked at me like i was crazy. what she said was truth – it could never work. i already knew that. i told her as much. i’m not choosing to like you. i really am not. i know it’s not good for me. i know i’m not good for you. we are way too different. our lifestyles are too different. what would we even talk about? what would we do? it could never work. i know i should move on – believe me i’ve tried. i sought other guys to move on with…and they were cool, but something keeps holding me back. you don’t even fit my list…i just don’t get it.
i told yet another friend about you today. he didn’t tell me it was wrong. he didn’t tell me i shouldn’t be feeling that way. he didn’t tell me to move on. as i babbled every reason why it could never work, he just thwarted them all away making them sound like excuses. and that’s when i realised that that is exactly what they are. all the reasons are stacked up to build a wall around my heart – cos if you ever got through i’m afraid of the damage you might do.
i kinda wish i had the courage to tell you today. but i’m scared. of rejection. of your feelings. of getting hurt. of not being enough. of making the wrong choice. of my past wrong decisions. of falling with no one to catch me.
so i’ll remain silent…
“You should stop talking to him because he’s just messing with your head. But you should continue because he’s messing with it in the best way and it makes your heart thump really hard and feel as light as air and it’s the most amazing thing – until it falls back down and hits you in the chest and you cant breath and it feels like you just want to die because there’s no point living if you feel like this and it wont get better because he doesn’t like you and he never will. And then you talk to him and everything is ok again because he’s amazing.” (from tumblr)
i enjoy crushes…seriously. that’s probably why i’m forever in this state of unrequieted love. i mean, the unrequited part is pretty sucky. the beating yourself up because you think you can never be good enough for him is pretty sucky. the constantly comparing yourself to the girl he does like is pretty sucky.
but the butterflies when he enters the room, the heart pulpatations when he looks at you, the way a smile just forms on your face and lingers whenever his name pops up on your caller id, the way he can totally just change your super crappy day into the best day ever by just talking to you…i think they are worth it…sometimes.
however, when he does talk to you, the way your tongue sticks to the roof of your mouth and you suddenly develop a stutter and can’t remember how to speak English, and the way you beat yourself up later when you have the perfect comment/joke/annecdote/come back ever but it’s too late cos he’s already left, is pretty sucky!
when i said “goodbye” i really meant “i still love you”. the words just came out wrong
i think about you less and less everyday.
i’ve realised that i’m never getting over you.
one of the above statements is a lie.
…and then you kissed me, and all was right with the world.
i don’t know this world, this emptiness, this breathe-less-ness…this living without you…it’s not where i belong.
this moment, this second, this you and me…this is perfection.
usually, having someone look into my eyes scares me, because it makes feel vulnerable and naked…however, i love the look i see when i look into your eyes
the truth is, i like you more than you’ll ever know…and i’m too scared to let you know…
i don’t remember having to remind myself to breathe before you came along…
i’m so glad facebook stalking is not a crime…
i walked in a cold, rainy, miserable, cloud-covered day and sang “i’m walking on sunshine…and don’t it feel good”…all because i thought of you.
you are my sunshine.
let’s forget the doubters and the circumstances and the fears and the past…let’s believe in a love that conquers all
ironically, as scared as i am of you, your arms are the only place i feel safe
i’m counting down every day, every hour, every minute, every second till you’re back in my arms
i tore up every picture, every letter, every sticky note. i deleted every sms, every voice mail, every email. i burnt every borrowed hoodie, every present, every reminder. i got rid of everything that reminded me of you…
the memories still remain!
for your sake, i hope you don’t think of me as much as i think of you.
[disclaimer, before i get stoned for being sexist or something. i know there are girls who like/love soccer. i know there are girls who actually watch the world cup for the soccer and not for the guys. i know this because, despite the following post, i am one of those girls. i was born into a household that watched every sporting event they could find on tv. i spend most of my saturday afternoons at soccer matches every weekend. i have been supporting the same local team (kaizer chiefs) since before i could write my own name. soccer is beautiful...cute guys or not!]
the first world cup i watched was the 1994 world cup…actually, i didn’t really watch it. my dad had video taped some of the games (good old vcr’s) and so i watched the ones he had taped. i think it was just the semis and the finals.and then i saw him…dreadlocks and all. now i’d always been a fan of dreadlocks, but i didn’t know white people (oops, politically incorrect…i meant caucasians) could get dreadlocks too. also, as far as i knew only rastafarians were allowed to have those. not that i actually knew anything about rastafarians except the dreadlocks and mary-jane…anyway, back to the point. there he was in all his swedish glory…hendrik larsson. i don’t remember anything else about that world cup (oh wait, i think it was in the US…i could be wrong). but i do remember larsson and his dreads. then he cut them off and i kinda didn’t notice him anymore.
the second world cup i watched was in 2002…i think i just totally missed the 1998 one. anyway, this time two boys caught my attention. the first was christiano ronaldo of portugal. honestly, ronaldo only caught my eye because he was a good player. he was quite fast and he could score. after the world cup though every girl and their mother was talking about how cute he was and suddenly every girl had a crush on him. which was totally fine with me because it left me to have the new love of my life all to myself. my brother developed a man crush on ronaldo which he still has to this day. ha!anyway, as skilled as this second boy is i didn’t even notice his skills at first – i noticed his hair. he was running towards the ball and suddenly everything went into slowmotion, his hair was flipping behind him, it was like a commercial for a new shampoo…a brazillian shampoo. [side note: ever since we studied the country in my 7th grade social studies class, i'd been in love with all things brazillian. and here was this brazillian, reminding me why i wanted to live in brazil] and then he kicked the ball…and it went in. after that i was in-love. boy has got some serious dribling skills…he is definitely gifted in soccer. so i watched all his games. even after the world cup (which is when i finally found out his name – ronaldinho). a little while after the world cup i became a barcelona fan and i remained one until he left and went to milan…i didn’t move to milan, i stayed a ronaldinho fan though. and now he’s not in the world cup…that makes me sad. i’m still rooting for brazil though…after south africa that is *cough cough*