Hope In Love

Posts Tagged ‘fear

as i stand there and then look out at them
they all just stare back
is that judgement?
expectation?
the dimmed lights make it too hard to see clearly

my heart is beating too loud
my hands are sweating too much
the spotlight is shining too bright
the stage has been raised too high
their quietness is too defeaning

what if i open my mouth and nothing comes out
even worse, what if i open my mouth and something horrible comes out
the former would elicit pity
but the latter would only bring shame & ridicule
what if the fear is too much

but what if they don’t hate it
what if it’s actually good
but then THEY will have been right all along
i had a gift i refused to share
i was selfish with what wasn’t mine

[we were talking about the poem “our deepest fear” by marianne williamson today in a meeting at work – which i’ve written about on this blog – and it just got me thinking…]

i told my friend about you today. i just couldn’t keep it a secret anymore. it was exploding out of me and i was afraid that i was gonna end up telling you. she doesn’t think it’s a good idea. i agree. i mean if it was an idea – if it was something that i had just decided on – then i would get rid of it immediately. i would choose to believe differently. but i’ve learned that it’s not that easy. i’ve tried to feel differently. i’ve mapped out all the reasons why i shouldn’t feel like i do, and why it’s wrong, and why it could never work…and why it’s a bad idea. i truly believe those reasons. they make sense. what i’m feeling doesn’t.

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i told another friend about you today. she looked at me like i was crazy. what she said was truth – it could never work. i already knew that. i told her as much. i’m not choosing to like you. i really am not. i know it’s not good for me. i know i’m not good for you. we are way too different. our lifestyles are too different. what would we even talk about? what would we do? it could never work. i know i should move on – believe me i’ve tried. i sought other guys to move on with…and they were cool, but something keeps holding me back. you don’t even fit my list…i just don’t get it.

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i told yet another friend about you today. he didn’t tell me it was wrong. he didn’t tell me i shouldn’t be feeling that way. he didn’t tell me to move on. as i babbled every reason why it could never work, he just thwarted them all away making them sound like excuses. and that’s when i realised that that is exactly what they are. all the reasons are stacked up to build a wall around my heart – cos if you ever got through i’m afraid of the damage you might do.

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i kinda wish i had the courage to tell you today. but i’m scared. of rejection. of your feelings. of getting hurt. of not being enough. of making the wrong choice. of my past wrong decisions. of falling with no one to catch me.

so i’ll remain silent…

i have you Adam, and u Eve
u have never been alone
not thru this, not ever
my hand uplifts you
my eye is ever watching

i know you have doubts
and i know you have fears
none of it matters to me
but i know it does to you
so i’ll walk with you through it

i will never leave you
i will never forsake you
i am faithful and my word is true
test me in this
taste and see that I AM good

i loved you before creation
i loved you before you knew me
i loved you despite your fall
and i love you still
for my love does not end

trust in me
take my hand
walk with me
you are mine

This post is part of a weekly worship blog carnival, so do stop by the worship community for more setlists and sermon recaps from around the world…

Morning
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This weekend I went to Camp Worship. Starts Friday and ends Sunday with 4 worship sessions. So cool seeing a bunch of people go crazy for Christ. One new song I learned is “Holding nothing back” by the Jesus Culture crew…it probably isn’t new, but it was my first time hearing it, and I really dig it.

Evening
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It is you (Newsboys)
How great is our God (Brad Klynsmith)
Eagle’s wings (Reuben Morgan)
Oh, Come all ye faithful (Adeste Fideles/John Wade) – just the chorus
Dula le rona (Paul Mpete)
Turn your eyes upon Jesus (Helen H. Lemmel) – just the chorus
O praise him (David Crowder*Band)

Kev and Arnie did most of the leading, with me leading on Dula le rona. Was an awesome worship session for me personally, and there was good feedback from the congregation as well. Was more nervous this week though, i think it had something to do with my super raw throat from a whole weekend of singing so was afraid of how i would sound. oh well.

At the end of last week’s session we wrote our struggles on a little piece of paper…all anonymous like, and they were read out from the front before we prayed for each other. A lot of the papers mentioned fear so that was the topic for today’s preach.

There was a lot said on it, but two things that stood out for me were: 1. God can…but even if he doesn’t… Like Rack, Shack, and Benny before they were thrown into the furnace, I want to believe that he will come through for me, but even if he doesn’t, i’ll still stand for he is still God. 2. Faith is how we overcome fear, and faith is not the opposite/absence of doubt, faith is born out of doubt. Faith says I will stand despite the doubt.

“When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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so I have this friend. he took a risk. he decided that instead of doing the 8 – 5 office thing he’s gonna follow his dreams and do what he loves. there were a lot of naysayers ofcourse, but he decided to follow his heart instead of listening to them. his plans didn’t work out, which sucks, but i’m so super proud of him for taking the risk.

“Of all the people I have ever known, those who have pursued their dreams and failed have lived a much more fulfilling life than those who have put their dreams on a shelf for fear of failure.” – Author Unknown

a lot of people will inevitably cry out “we told you so”, but one thing i’ve realised about those people, they are the ones who haven’t taken any risks. they are the ones living a miserable life because they decided to be safe instead of risking to fulfill their dreams. they’ll never know what it’s like to live the adventure. they are so focused on security that they miss happines. they miss life.

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.” – Ambrose Redmoon

i bet all those people saying no in the beginning were all wishing it was them doing it. they were secretly wishing that they had put off the chains and jumped over the boundaries society put on them – but they kept telling themselves they couldn’t do it; it was impossible – and seeing someone else doing it made them realised that it is in fact possible. so now that he failed, they feel justified in not doing anything, they feel justified in living a wasted life cos hey, it probably would have failed anyway.

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” – Dale Carnegie

but unless you try – whether trying leads to success or failure – you will never really know what you are capable of; you will never know what dreams you can reach; you will always live out the story others have written for you. as Joshua Davidson said: “…I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10)

“The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.” – H. P. Lovecraft

i want to take risks. i want to write my own story. i wanna be the “young fellow who steps up to the great bully”. but i keep holding back because of fear of the unknown. not knowing what’s around the bend is too scary.

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i will close off with one of my favorite quotes i’ve used a few times before on this blog:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Marianne Williamson


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