Posts Tagged ‘God’
Am I fake?
Or is my doubt when I’m most real?
When I am most a follower?
Cos at the moment of doubt I truly search,
I truly desire,
I truly hunger.
And in that search, desire, hunger,
That is when I truly find…
And choose once once again to follow.
Today will be my last post for 2011. The siblings are in town, and therefore I’m spending more time laughing my head off and less time reading and writing. Ok, that’s not the real reason, I’m just already in holiday mode…the brain is slowly shutting down…
2011 has been amazing in so many ways. Can’t say it’s been the best year yet, but it’s been great. I am thankful for all the awesome opportunities I’ve been given this year.
1. Bound – what an experience. That might be the only best acress award I ever get so gotta savour it.
2. Bravery…don’t think I wanna elaborate on there, but yes, worth it.
4. Moving back to Cape Town…although I miss Stellenbosch, I felt it was time for a change.
5. Writing – couple of short stories (which might never see the light of day), entering a music writing comp (didn’t win, but i entered…), and the new…uhm…writing exercise I mentioned last week
6. Friends – old, new, and langebaan adventures.
7. God; Love. Truth. Faithfulness.
So cheers to 2011. And here’s to 2012, and hoping the world doesn’t end, cos man, life is good! And the living is easy…
See you next year.
i have these glimpses of you
but otherwise i don’t feel you
my world tells me it’s coincidence
my senses tell me that makes sense
i look around; i see pain and death
i join the voices asking why
i know all the “right” answers
but they mean nothing when i see my mom cry
my heart says you’re real
i have seen your works
i have felt your touch
nature says you’re real
i have seen your hand
i have glimpsed your glory
science says you’re real
how it all comes together
how it all just fits
my head fails to understand
just let me know you are here
and that will be enough for me
…and then i realise, it’s not me he trusts…it’s his spirit in me.
i’m kinda jumping in with both feet here. i don’t know what i’m doing. i’m way over my head. i went to audition for a role in a short film. and as the role was being explained to me i realised how in over my head i was. just then, someone else walks in who’s auditioning for the same part. the following thought then runs through my head: “oh flip, i know her…she’s actually a good actress…i’ve actually seen her act before. yep, she’ll definitely get it. i guess that’s a good thing though. she’ll actually do a good job with the story. if she get’s it, i’m ok with that.”
i was then given a few minutes to prepare for the audition…which i used to pray. i basically told God that i’d be keen to play the role, but i realise that i’m not really prepared for it. so if he wants me to do it, he’s gonna have to give me the words, and actions, and basically be my director. and that if i don’t get the part, i know the other chick will do a great job with it so i’m ok with that.
and i really was. cos i think it’s an important story and that it needs to be told.
anyway, apparently i got the part. which is really cool. and i guess being in over my head could be a good thing cos then i have to rely on God for it, right. i know for a fact i can’t do it on my own, so i’m gonna have to stand aside and let him do the work through me.
so yea. just a random thought i had.
i’m in awe
i’m in love
i’m in fear
i run away
i don’t deserve
and you wait
you run after
i give in
i’m not worthy
in unending love
you bestow on me
it’s in the bible, right there in black and white. but i read something last week that changed the way i read that verse.
“God hates divorce, not people who get divorced”. – Matt Appling
nothing new, nothing spectacular, but that quote stood out to me. and i started to think on it and ponder about it some more. i always read that verse as “God hates divorce so do not under any circumstances get a divorce”. but after that quote i started to look at it in a different way. i now read it as “God hates divorce because divorce is separation. it hurts. it rips what has become one in half. it hurts the people getting the divorce. it hurts the kids involved (if there are any). it derails the journey to ’till death do us part’. it kills your hopes and dreams of a happily ever after (sometimes temporarily, but i think there are some people who just never recover from a divorce)”.
so in other words, i now see it more as God hates divorce, not because he wants you to stay in a marriage that’s not working for whatever reason, but because he loves you so much and he doesn’t want to see you get hurt in the process of the divorce. i’ve seen movies and tv series where people get divorced and it’s mutual and they remain friends and whatnot, but i’ve never seen it in real life. i’ve seen divorced couples in real life who got hurt by divorce, who grieved the end of a marriage…and some of them were able after some time to heal and “move on”, but it left scars and baggage. and even though they may have become friends in the end, the memories of the pain and hurt are still there.
that’s one thing that i keep coming back to the more i learn about God. his law – his rules – are more about protecting me from unnecessary pain and hurt and less about keeping me from enjoying myself. his rules are there to give me ubandant life and not to keep me from having a life. and the more i realise this, the easier it becomes to follow his law.
ok, end of 2010 just totally snuck up on me. and while this time of year is supposed to be all restful and merryful and great, it just feels too busy and hectic and stressful to me.
so in order to remedy that, i have decided to look back on 2010 and count my blessing.
1. friends – thanks for putting up with me. divas – thanks for not giving up on me…y’all have helped shape who i am today, and i am grateful.
2. my job/colleagues – with the recession and people losing jobs left and right and people coming and going, i must say it was a bit of a scary year. i wasn’t really sure where i would be at the end of this year, but God proved faithful and i’m still here. and my amazing colleagues have been…well, amazing, this year. having seen them walk through health problems and come out stronger on the other side, it’s been inspirational and a reminder of what a beautiful thing family is. so grateful to be working where i work, with the people i get to work with.
3. vision k – i have so much enjoyed another year of meeting with another group of amazing grade 10′s. this year’s group was so different from last years, which made things a bit weird at first, but once i got to know them i really fell in love with this group. while last years group was super outgoing with each one of them rearing to be the leader of the group, this year was full of people who were too shy to take the lead and too insecure to burst out in a broken-english-rant, but they were so cool on a one to one basis. and awesomely, i get to work with the same group next year (happiness). yep, i’m moving to the grade 11 group next year. should be amazing – building on already established relationships.
4. enGAGE – love you guys…so thankful for each and everyone of you who have been a part of my life this year. thank you for the coffees and the hang outs and the chats and the love and acceptance and so much more. thank you to every single one for being part of this community and just being there. wouldn’t have made it through this year without y’all.
5. worship team peeps – technically you fall under enGAGE, but kinda had a special thought to share for y’all. thank you for pushing me. thank you for making me sing louder even when i don’t want to. thank you for all the encouragement. thank you for helping me battle my insecurities and helping me use my passions for Christ. thank you for all the laughs. thank you for just being an awesome group of people.
6. live music – ok so Versus The Wolf…so much love for this band, check them out. And Irvine – stealing more of my heart with every show. And Gravity Wins Again – who went into hiding for most of this year but are back again. And John Ellis – LE-GEN-DA-RY! And my new-found love for afrikaans bands. and so many other cool bands/gigs i went to this year. I don’t think I went to see any international bands this year, just local ones (oh wait, there was feeder, but i didn’t go to see them. i went to a music festival they just happened to be playing at). so it has been yet another very fulfilling musical year. i love watching live music, it makes my heart happy. and i hope there will be more show watching next year.
7. blogging – i enjoy blogging. i enjoy putting my thoughts out there for random strangers to critique. i especially love when random strangers become a community and help me in discovering who i am and helping me in this life-journey. thank you readers. thanks to the commentors – for the words of encouragement and the challenging ones too. and the lurkers. oh, and lurkers, please comment in 2011. thanks you also to anyone who has ever appeared on my reads of the week list…and to those who haven’t. the blogs i read play a major role in the thoughts in my head, so thank you for helping me think through things and learn more about myself and life.
8. God – it has been a rough ride this year. lots of bumps in our relationship…seriously. but through it all you carried me. i am thankful beyond what words can explain.
wishes for 2011
1. more growth with God – let him use me more.
2. this has probably been the worst year for me healthwise. my body really took a beating. not sure why, but i hope 2011 will be different. i hope i will enjoy health more.
Of course, I’ve had a lot of time to formulate my opinion about divinity since that night on the bathroom floor when I spoke to God directly for the first time. In the middle of that dark November crisis, though, I was not interested in formulating my views on theology. I was interested only in saving my life. I had finally noticed that I seemed to have reached a state of hopeless and life-threatening despair, and it occurred to me that sometimes people in this state will approach God for help. I think I’d read that in a book somewhere.
What I said to God through my gasping sobs was something like this: “Hello, God. How are you? I’m Liz, it’s nice to meet you.”
That’s right – I was speaking to the creator of the universe as though we’d just been introduced at a cocktail party. But we work with what we know in this life, and these are the words I always used at the beginning of a relationship. In fact, it was all I could do to stop myself from saying, “I’ve always been a big fan of your work…”
“I’m sorry to bother you so late at night,” I continued. “But i’m in serious trouble. And I’m sorry I haven’t ever spoken direclty to you before but I do hope I have always expressed ample gratitude for all the blessings that you’ve given me in my life.”
This thought caused me to sob even harder. God waited me out. I pulled myself together enough to go on: “I am not an expert in praying, as you know. But can you please help me? I am in deserate need of help. I don’t know what to do. I need an answer. Please tell me what to do. Please tell me what to do. Please tell me what to do…”
And so the prayer narrowed itself down to that simple entreaty – Please tell me what to do – repeasted again and again. I don’t know how many times I begged. I only know that i begged like someone who was pleading for their life. And the crying went on forever.
Until – quite abruptly – it stopped.
Quite abruptly, I found that I was not crying anymore. I’d stopped crying, in fact, in mid-sob. My misery had been completely vacuumed out of me. I lifted my forehead off the floor and sat up in surprise, wondering if I would see now some Great Being who had taken my weeping away. But nobody was there. I was just alone but not really alone, either. I was surrounded by something I can only describe as a pocked of silence – a silence so rare that I didn’t want to exhale, for fear of scaring it off. I was seamlessly still. I don’t know when I’d ever felt such stillness.
Then I head a voice. Please don’t be alarmed – it was not an Old Testament Hollywood Charlton Heston voice, nor was it a voice telling me I must build a baseball field in my backyard. It was merely my own voice, speaking from within my own self. But this was my voice as I had never heard it before. This was my voice, but perfectly wise, calm and compassionate. This was what my voice would sound like if I’d only ever experienced love and certainty in my life. How can I desciribe the warmth of affection in that voice, as it gave me the answer that would forever seal my faith in the divine?
The voice said: Go back to bed, Liz.
It was so immediately clear that this was the only thing to do. I would not have accepted any other answer. I would not have trusted a great booming voice that said either: You Must Divorce Your Husband! or You Must Not Divorce Your Husband! because that’s not true wisdom. True wisdom gives the only possible answer at any given moment, and that night, going back to bed was the only possible answer. Go back to bed, said this omniscient interior voice, because you don’t need to know the final answer right now, at three o’clock in the morning on a Thursday in November. Go back to bed, because I love you. Go back to bed, because the only thing you need to do for now is get some rest and take good care of yourself until you do know the answer. Go back to bed so that, when the tempest comes, you’ll be strong enough to deal with it. And the tempest is coming, dear one. Very soon. But not tonight. Therefore:
Go back to bed, Liz.
In a way, this little episode had all the hallmarks of a typical Christian conversion experience – the dark night of the soul, the call for help, the responding voice, the sense of transformation. But I would not say that this was religious conversion for me, not in the traditional manner of being born again or saved. Instead, I would call what happened that night the beginning of a religious conversation. The first words of an open and exploratory dialogue that would, ultimately, bring me very close to God, indeed.
– Excerpt: Chapter 4 from Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.
I’m only 1/3 of the way through the book, and loving it so far, but this chapter is by far my favorite. Loving this book so much. Amped to see the movie when I finish as well.
i wanna sit in an open field
on a picnic blanket
in the middle of nowhere
surrounded by pretty flowers
and open space
just sitting in awe
or conversating with you
or reading your word
or playing my guitar
or listening to crowder
or soaking in the quietness
or a million other things
as long as i’m with you
as long as you’re here
as long as you are…
*i know the word is conversing not conversating, i just like the latter better…
i have you Adam, and u Eve
u have never been alone
not thru this, not ever
my hand uplifts you
my eye is ever watching
i know you have doubts
and i know you have fears
none of it matters to me
but i know it does to you
so i’ll walk with you through it
i will never leave you
i will never forsake you
i am faithful and my word is true
test me in this
taste and see that I AM good
i loved you before creation
i loved you before you knew me
i loved you despite your fall
and i love you still
for my love does not end
trust in me
take my hand
walk with me
you are mine