Posts Tagged ‘my stuff’
Your name
Posted on: March 15, 2012
All of a sudden someone mentions your name:
And then it all comes rushing back
and i remember why i fell
i remember your poetic words
your smile
your laugh
the music of your soul
and i start to doubt myself
was i blind
how could i have let you go
it all comes rushing back
the good times
the memories
that one time at the place when that security was chasing us
we were happy
we thought it would never end
and i start to question my decisions
am i broken
how could i have let you go
the world comes to a halt
my mind spins out of control
thought after thought
memory after memory
it all just seemed better then
but then it all came rushing back
the harsh words
that time you put your fist through the window
through the coffee table
kicked out the door
everytime i cowered in the corner
wondering if i’d be next
and i remember that i’m better without you
i was broken, but now i’m happy
that’s why i had to let you go
fake follower
Posted on: January 26, 2012
Am I fake?
Or is my doubt when I’m most real?
When I am most a follower?
Cos at the moment of doubt I truly search,
I truly desire,
I truly hunger.
And in that search, desire, hunger,
That is when I truly find…
And choose once once again to follow.
Under the spotlight
Posted on: January 12, 2012
as i stand there and then look out at them
they all just stare back
is that judgement?
expectation?
the dimmed lights make it too hard to see clearly
my heart is beating too loud
my hands are sweating too much
the spotlight is shining too bright
the stage has been raised too high
their quietness is too defeaning
what if i open my mouth and nothing comes out
even worse, what if i open my mouth and something horrible comes out
the former would elicit pity
but the latter would only bring shame & ridicule
what if the fear is too much
but what if they don’t hate it
what if it’s actually good
but then THEY will have been right all along
i had a gift i refused to share
i was selfish with what wasn’t mine
[we were talking about the poem "our deepest fear" by marianne williamson today in a meeting at work - which i've written about on this blog - and it just got me thinking...]
my daily sustainance
Posted on: November 10, 2011
your love overwhelms.
i’m drowning in you.
wave after wave comes crashing over me.
again and again i try to fight it
i am powerless against it
and even if i could overcome it, why would i want to
it’s what i crave, it’s what i need
it’s what i daily long for – mind, body, and soul
it is what sustains me
it’s the only thing that feels real to me.
it’s only in your love i feel whole.
Another Facebook note repost. This one was written in October of 2008. I had just started listening to Coldplay, and decided that I like them, before this I just liked “yellow” and had never really listened to any of their other songs. Anyway, here you go:
==================
i was feeling a little lost…my mood was really low…i felt like i was being swallowed by the sea…i think it was because of all the x and y ‘s…the unknown variables of life. and I’m sure if you were in my place, you’d get that same shiver down your back. That’s when i heard a whisper, a message from God, saying “i can fix you”; so i decided to buy some yellow parachutes from a scientist in amsterdam who promised me that they could travel at high speed[s]…in fact he said they travel at the speed of sound, but then i found out that in reality they actually only move 42 centimeters in London, cos of the polutted air and 43 centimeters per second in the country side (cos the air is cleaner). I got so angry that I thought “what if i buy a gun and start a war and blame it all upon a rush of blood to the head”, which I thought was a warning sign that i was going crazy, but I told myself (yes, I talk to myself – what’s wrong with that) “don’t panic, just calm down or else you’ll get yourself into trouble”.
So instead i decided to take a stand against death and all his friends, which was the hardest part, and take my love, who by the way has the most beautiful green eyes ever, to violet hill where we watched 2 lovers in japan stroll by hand in hand – they turned out to be spies for the KGB – as time sped by on the clocks and daylight faded away and i thought, “yes, this is the life…in technicolor…i just need to live the life (viva la vida) – everything else is just politik[s]” and suddenly i felt at peace and at that moment my love looked at me and said “wow, God has put a smile on your face”, firing some sparks of excitement in my heart.
And now i’m back at square one staring at the white shadows on the wall while swinging away on my strawberry swing with a new epiphany that we never change – there really is nothing new under the sun – but at least now i know that everything’s not lost…
So that’s the end of my story, with all it’s twisted logic, and i’ll tell it to the world til kingdom come.
[so did i leave out anything?]
I know that I know…
Posted on: October 13, 2011
i know the boundaries are there for a reason
for my protection
i know i’m better off staying on the narrow road
following the rules
staying on your path
i know you’re only looking out for me
i know the consequences of the alternative
the potential heartbreak
the potential hurt and pain
i know it’s better for me this way
i know that i know
but once in a while,
i wish i didn’t know any better…
brilliant chaos
Posted on: September 15, 2011
thoughts upon thoughts
drowning in my own head
can’t keep them out
can’t shut it down
can’t make sense of any of it
try to get it down
try to put ideas into words
they disappears from reach
only to reappear
at some inconvinient time
idea upon idea
fly like loose cannons
none of it is logical
it just confuses and clouds my mind
all jumping around
head full of brilliant chaos
growing up
Posted on: August 11, 2011
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what would have happened if they forgot to tell me who i was
what if i just blindly walked into the world not knowing who i should be
what would it be like if i didn’t listen to all their advice
who would i be if i didn’t know who i was supposed to be
“We Never Really Grow Up, We Only Learn How To Act In Public.” via @faddygal
his smile…
Posted on: August 4, 2011
she could have sworn that smile was for her. she could have sworn that he had smiled at the sight of her walking through the doors. but she wasn’t going to let that happen again. she was older, she was wiser, she now recognised the way in which her mind and heart had always tricked her in the past.
she didn’t dare look at him. she looked up, down, stared out the window, down at the table in front of her…anywhere but at him…which proved quite difficult with him standing on the stage in front of her. but she was determined. if she looked at him and he was looking at her, she would do something stupid…like smile…and give away her feelings…so she focused on not looking at him.
“why did i agreed to come to this gig with kelly in the first place?” she wondered. “this is definitely not condusive to getting over him.”
as the last notes of the last song rang out she knew it was time to get going.
“oh come on, there’s one more band…please let’s stay” kelly begged
she was in the middle of going through all the excuses why they couldn’t stay when she heard that voice…
the voice that had the power to somehow make her heart stop and beat faster simultaneously
the voice she had fallen in love with over 5 years ago
the voice she thought she’d wake up next to for the rest of her life…at least until last month when he told her that it wasn’t working for him anymore.
she turned around to see the eyes that went with that voice looking at her, and in that moment she knew she would forever be in love with that smile…
yes, you’re right, i guess…
Posted on: July 21, 2011
generally in general in a vague sort of way
if i strip all logic and everything i hold to be true
if i let myself just look at it from your point of view
if i indeed got over all my well thought out bulletpoints
if i forget all my reasoning and all my solid excuses
if i only focus on the arguements you’re making
if i just threw out years and years of documented research
if i stopped being stubborn and went with the flow
if i could just let myself settle with what’s good enough
if i let go of what i want and decide everyone else knows what’s best
if i could forget who i am and pretend to be someone else
then yes you are right, it could work
