Posts Tagged ‘namibia’
the obligatory lost post
Posted on: May 25, 2010
- In: my life | thoughts
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so the final lost episode right? i mean it was…confusing…and brilliant…and oh my gosh, what a way to go out.
uhm…oh wait, i didn’t watch it. i don’t actually watch lost…i think i did catch a bit of season 1 and i thought that was pretty good, but haven’t really gotten into it.
anyway, that’s not what this post is really about. it is more about the fact that i’ve lost my passport. i have no idea where it is. i need it to get to namibia in a few weeks for namrock…so much sadness.
but to be truly honest, i’m not as amped for namibia as i was last year or the year before. with that said, i don’t know if getting a new passport is worth it. if i’m not amped about namrock, should i be wasting my time and money by going? i mean i’m pretty sure it would not be a waste, it would be awesome and i’d meet with God and stuff but still…i don’t know. i’m just in a weird mood. i find it weird that i’m not amped about NamRock.
my system to remember where things are is failing me…eek!
wow…momentous occassion.
it has rendered me speechless.
so I have decided to do a repost of my favorite of the last 99 posts so far…i’m sorry…as I said – speechless – unless it’s laziness, then I’m double sorry.
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Namibialand – Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is with you
He is mighty to save
He will take great delight in you
He will quiet you with his love
He will rejoice over you with singing
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The whole time I was in Namibia (13 – 19 June [2008]) God was constantly bringing up this verse. He used it to encourage me, strenthen me, comfort me, challenge me and just work so mightily in me.
Break down:
The Lord your God is with you – whether in Namibia or South Africa, in the church building or at work, in good times or when stress just overwhelms me, HE IS THERE. I was thinking, “right, I’m in nature in Namibia away from work and other distractions and I’m gonna feel God’s presence and hear Him talk to me” and he just so gently reminded me that, he’s always there. All the time. Whether I feel his presence or not, whether I’m listening or not – He’s always there longing to talk to me.
He is mighty to save – he is…not me. He does the work, I just have to be willing to be used. I was really scared (super excited but scared) about the mission trip after the camp cos I thought I had nothing to bring to the team or to the people of Namibia. And he just reminded me that the work is his, I just have to show up and let him work through me. Not by my own strength or might…but his.
He will take great delight in you – anyone who knows anything about my relationship with my (biological/earthly) father will know why this part of the verse means so much to me. I just got this sense that God was saying He notices when I try. And even though I fail he knows where my heart is and he is pleased with me. Like he has that same feeling he did with Job – bragging to satan that “yea, that one is mine”. Or like the progical son’s father who runs to the son no matter the mistakes that the son makes, the father is just so delighted to have him back. Like…I don’t know, there’s nothing I can ever do that would make him love me any less.
He will quiet you with his love – after the stress I’ve been under at work and the weirdness and sickness my body has been going through that verse spoke so loudly to me when I sat back and just chilled with God. His presence was so evident. Almost like I could physically feel his hand on me. And the rest…the peace…transcending all understanding. He just felt so real…more real than he’s ever felt before. It was beautiful…beyond beautiful. He is AWESOME in the true sense of the word.
He will rejoice over you with singing – I dare you to say that line and not smile from ear to ear. God, the creator of the universe, the one who holds it all together, the king of kings and Lord of Lords, the alpha and omega, the great I AM, parter of the red sea…HE SINGS OVER ME. Such love, such wonderous love. And then I got to thinking, I wonder if God feels the same way when I truly worship him. Like does he get this “all’s good now” feeling when I lay myself down at his feet and worship him in spirit and in truth? And then I started thinking “how often do I do that?” Most of the time during the worship service I’m more concerned with how my voice sounds or whether the other people will look at me funny if I just let it all go before Him (cos you know, I am that important that everyone in church is just listening to me and watching me – yea, I know how ridiculous it all is). I wanna be able to sing to God unashamedly and praise him without inhibitions – lay me and my insecurities before him and just see his beauty and majesty and magnificense.
I wanna be able to say “I will serve no other gods but you” and mean it with every fiber of my being.
I wanna fall in love with him all over again…every morning of every day that he blesses me with.
Musicians are not hot…
Posted on: June 25, 2009
- In: likes | lyrics | my life | thoughts
- 2 Comments
last entry in my Lessons Learned at NamRock series…this is a not serious post…
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I used to think musicians are hot…they aren’t! No really, it’s not the musician that’s attractive, it’s the instrument. I was sitting all by my lonesome at the welcome station at NamRock and so I decided to get my (actually Stephen’s) guitar and just do some practicing. As soon as I got the guitar, anyone who went anywhere near the station suddenly stopped to talk to me and ask me to play…which was really cool – not the playing cos I didn’t actually play anything, but the talking to people. I met a lot of people through it.
At one point I had the whole Durban/Gauteng crew and some Western Capers sitting in/around the truck with me…just cos I was holding a guitar – didn’t even need to play anything…just holding the instrument was enough. (And just by the way, thanks to the Durban crew for restoring my faith in Durban guys.)
So if you want more friends, get a musical instrument. That’s the lesson.
and that is why i attended a songwriting workshop at NamRock . jokes, that’s not why i attended it, but the workshop was totally awesome (thanks Charl) – complete with lyrics like “shake me, break me, make me” (highlight! – thanks Beth).
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Thoughts that came from the lesson:
When I was a kid I wanted to be a singer – the next Miriah Carey…then I realised I can’t sing, and the dream died…Now I want to be be a songwriter…not professionally – no one is ever going to see what i write – but I want to be able to make music. I want to be part of the music making…i don’t just want to listen to it or sing it, but i want to make music…don’t know if that makes sense to anyone outside my head. I love music…I’m passionate about music. I…anyway, don’t know how to say what i’m thinking/feeling right now. I express myself so much better through song, even if it’s someone else’s song…there’s always a song to say what i’m thinking/feeling.
a secondary reason that i want to be a musician is that i want to own like a whole roomful of guitars like David Crowder…and as many pedals as john mayer wouldn’t hurt either…
joking.
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God talks to me through music a lot. He’s often used songs to draw me to himself and to convict me and to remind me of his promises and to wake me up and and and…For instance, there was a point when I was struggling with this whole “unconditional love” concept and he used the song “how he loves us” by kim walker to tell me that i really don’t need to understand the how or why, i just need to know that he does and live in that and be in awe…cos that’s what the song is saying to me – wow, he loves us so much…with a jealous love…it’s overwhelming…but it’s real…i don’t understand it…and i don’t need to…it’s enough to know that he does…wow, he really does!
So that’s why i want to make music…cos I think there’s a lot to say, and when I can’t say it in plain words, I think that music will help me express it better. I think.
And I think God really likes music, almost as much as frisbee, cos he created it to be so beautiful and so heart-wrenching and so moving…and also cos he delights over me with singing (Zephaniah 3:17).
He doesn’t speak…
Posted on: June 25, 2009
- In: my life | thoughts | Uncategorized
- 3 Comments
This is part 2 of 3 in my lessons learned at NamRock series
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This year’s NamRock was very different for me spiritually. I mean, the worship was just as great as last year’s…but…
Last year NamRock was a pit stop on the way to Keetmanshoop…the only reason I went to NamRock was to go to the mission trip afterwards…and while there in that desert I met with God and it was beautiful. This year I went with an expectation for the same to happen. I still felt God’s presence…but it wasn’t as tangible as it had been last year. I knew He was there but…I don’t know, it was more of the knowledge than an actually feeling.
So last year we had this one hour of quiet thing where we all went away for one hour of silence. No talking, just listening to God. And God spoke to me lots…he revealed a lot of stuff and encouraged me and stuff…and it was super good and awesomtastic.
This year, it was 2 hours of silence. So I was expecting God to do twice as much talking. But he didn’t. In fact, there was 2 whole hours of silence from both sides. And once I got into it and stopped trying to hear him, it became as super good and awesometastic as last year. It was a great time of refreshment, Him and I just chilling, not needing to talk…just comfortable silence. And the two hours went by way too fast.
So yea, I think this year was a lot about that…just sitting back in awe as opposed to having to do stuff…or be somewhere…or trying…it was
just about resting in Him…with Him.
And that happened.
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Another good thing about NamRock, Lindri and Mike both pointed this out, is how good it is to be there with like-minded people. Over 100 people all gathered together to just worship God…people hungry to hear from him, and see him move, and seeking him…his will. So good.
It makes it that much more hard to come back to reality though. Knowing that people might think you are narrow-minded and stupid and wrong for believing what you believe. At camp you have your support group…everyone is looking out for everyone else…and we are all family…what I think heaven will be like. Here in the real world though…different story. You are quickly reminded that you are in the world, you are a stranger, an alien…you don’t belong.
It’s crazy how weird it was being back home…like I’d seen a glimpse of what could be and now I was back to what is…and it kinda hurt…and I longed to be back at camp, chilling with God and God’s people…being around people who are worshipping him and being encouraged challenged to do likewise in my life…but I guess that’s what it’s about right…what’s the point of being encouraged and challenged if there’s no world to live it out in.
I don’t know if that last sentence made sense.
Basically, I needed that rest and restoration so that I could come back here and be a light and a city on a hill. And as much as I long for my rightful home, I have a job/purpose here on this foreign land…and I need to live that out.
He speaks…
Posted on: June 22, 2009
This is part 1 of 3 in my series on Lesson Learned at NamRock
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Wednesday, June 10, 2009
We are on our way to NamRock and as we pass through Mulmesberry (sp?) I think “oh hey, this is where Marc and Wil and Ernst and Kevin are from…hmmm…no work today…oh shoot, I forgot to check in my work…oh crap, they are supposed to test that stuff, how are they going to get to it…oh crap…I’m gonna be so fired when I get back next week…” and from there the seed is planted. Thoughts like these crept into my head, get settled there and make a comfortable home for themselves. Seriously I dwelled on these thoughts until I started to crash… Lunchtime we stopped at Springbok…I already had a headache and my body was tense from the stress and I was freak’n hungry…seriously hungry…and everyone was taking soooo long to buy food for the next two days…and I was getting ready to scream…or kill someone…or something. Anyway, eventually we end up going to lunch and I ate and I was full and I felt better…but the worrying and stressing was still there…and the crash came.
I just told everyone that I was going to try and sleep, so I put my headphones on and shut the world out. I put the song “My God is Amazing” by Surrender Band on repeat and tried to listen to it…but nothing was going in. I was freaking out. I had let the stress and worry go on too long and now I couldn’t snap out of it. I lay there for a while…just lay there…and tried not to think – impossible task.
The thing is, I’m sure that none of the people in the car with me that day would even guess that I was stressing, not even Lindri knew I was stressing until I told her about it a couple of days later. I stress on the inside…I don’t let it show…I go on with life pretending it’s not happening. Which, I think, makes it worse cos I let it fester without an outside influence to put it into perspective.
Anyway, at some point the car starts slowing down and I think we are coming to another rest-stop, but as I lift my head I realize that we are in the middle of nowhere. I take my headphones off just in time to hear someone say “Are you slowing down, or is it slowing down on it’s own?” and Stephen answers “I’m not doing anything”. I ask what’s happening and find out we are out of petrol. Great…one more thing…just what we need! The guys say we should push the car to Karasburg, I disagree…seriously? push? to Karasburg? yea we see the town’s lights, but we don’t really know how far we are. I’d rather just walk there and walk back. Lindri’s suggestion: Let’s pray. So we do…or they do…and I just assume that God will provide a way anyway, he already knows our needs so why pray…and I immediately get convicted about the way I take God’s provision for granted. I just assume he will provide (which he does) and I don’t ask…but he tells us to ask, not because he doesn’t already know, but because he wants us to talk to him, to go to him with our needs. So inwardly I just say “Daddy, obviously you didn’t bring us to Namibia to leave us out in the middle of nowhere…and as you know, I’m a girl so I’m not going to push the car to Karasburg…so please make another way. Amen” and as I open my eyes I see lights approaching.
The lights turned out to be an ambulance, who though they were on their way to take someone to the hospital, stopped for us and gave Stephen and Lind a lift into town to buy petrol and brought them back. While they were gone I managed to get some unwinding in…I stopped trying not to stress, and instead let Him clear my head of all those negative thoughts… and that is how I managed to stop stressing (thanks also to the musical stylings of Mr Durant).
When the other two came back, we spent a few minutes outside looking up at the stars in awe at just how AWESOMELY AMAZING He is. And I thought “he *is* BIG enough to handle my work stuff when I get back”. So yea, I think that was part of the plan. He wanted to make sure I don’t go into NamRock with all that worry and all that stress…and had we not run out of petrol we would not have stopped there and just sat in amazement at his display…
He really does care!
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Monday, June 15, 2009
I decided long before NamRock that I was going to take the plunge…as in get baptised…I even asked Lindri to be the baptist/baptiser/i-don’t-know-what-they-are-called, but as the days crept closer I started having doubts. The decision to get baptised was not made lightly. I researched, I asked people, I thought and pondered and prayed before I made that decision…which should have been a relatively easy decision to make I think solely because Joshua Davidson commands baptism and that should be enough for it to happen but it took me a loooong time to decide to do it, and after making the decision it took about a year for it to actually happen. For some reason it scared me…couldn’t tell you why. Throughout the camp I kept telling Lindri that I’m thinking of backing out.
Baptism is symbolic right? So to do the act without the inner-something is really just putting on a show. And I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to just go there and get baptised just to say I’m baptised, I wanted to make sure that my heart was in-line with my actions. That when I took that dip it was reflective of where my heart is.
Anyway, so the day finally dawns and I’m pretty sure I’m gonna back out. Then we go on a little hike ‘up the valley’ and do some free worship which was so awesome. And at some point I go a few feet away from everyone else and decide to just do some praying and so I tell God that I’m thinking of backing out because I don’t know where my heart is…and I’m all “if you really want this to happen today, then tell me so”…I wait…and nothing! So I walk back to join everyone. As I get there the singing stops and a couple of people come up to share testimony-type-stuff and then Pieter comes up and says “if anyone is interested in being baptised today, please speak to Jancie…” and I’m all ok, cool I’ll do it.
So I got baptised…because He said so. And I did some soul/heart searching before taking the plunge just to make sure I was really doing it for the right reasons. And no, there were no doves or audible voices, but I’m sure God was pleased. So the decision is made, and now the walk begins/continues…and this time I’ve got witnesses to keep me accountable.
Oh and just before I actually got baptised, Kev (I think) says “are you sure you really want to do this? you do know what this means right?” and i’m all “what?” and he says “i don’t know” and Val (I think) says “it means you are giving up your will for his, so if it’s his will for you to be single for life you have to do it” and we all laughed…but yea, that’s what it meant for me…giving up my plans, laying down my wants, for the beautiful plan he has…even if it means being single for life (but hopefully it’s not).
And thanks to Natalie for the talk that evening…was a blessing and a huge encouragement…
The non-prodigal prodigal son
Posted on: August 27, 2008
I’m super tired tonight so this might not make any sense. Anyway, reading through the parable of the prodigal son for the ump-teenth time I realise that I have actually been on both sides of that sibling-ness ( I did warn you that it might not make sense).
Prodigal-ness
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Of course we’ve all been the prodigal son. The story of the prodical son is about each and every one of us. How we’ve all rebelled against the Father and went our own way. We’ve all turned away from God’s good-ness. And yet he patiently waits for us to re-turn to him (where did I read that re-turn thing?) and repent and each time, he invites us back into His family. He reminds us that we are sons and not slaves; that we do not need to work for His forgiveness, he gives it to us freely. (this other guy Jon explains it so much better…i tried to find the post where he talks about it but couldn’t, but go through his site…or all three of them…you won’t be disappointed).
Non-Prodigal-ness
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I can totally relate with this dude cos I felt like this for most of my life. While other parents were struggling with their children and dealing with rebelious teenagers, my parents never went through that. I was honestly a good kid. As much as I wanted my freedom and wanted to be like all my friends, I instead went the good-little girl route…well at least as far as people could see. It bugged me though that my parents took that for granted. I actually said that to my mom the other day…how lucky they are to have me and my sister…how lucky they are that we were too obedient to live the lives we really wanted to live. I asked her if she realised that my sister and I are not normal, she said yes…but she figures it’s because they were such great parents…uhm…well, she’s entitled to her own opinion.
I can’t wait for my brother to reach 15/16 – they already have their hands full with that one and he gets away with so much…just cos he’s the boy (if you ever saw the show “8 simple rules for dating my teenage daughter” you’ll understand that reference, I hope). Maybe once he hits proper rebelion then they’ll start appreciating the non-prodigals that my sister and I were.
On the other hand, I realised for the first time in Namibia (or actually, Brett pointed it out to me) that the bible never says that after the talk with the father the elder son went into the party. I always assumed he did, but I don’t know that for sure. Unforgiveness? Bitterness? Jealousy? I don’t want that to be me. I wanna move on from that. I want to be free. I wanna live the abundant life…and that only comes with uncluttering your life and freeing yourself (or letting Joshua Davidson free you) from all that baggage. (Yay, I just snuck in a reference to Brett’s preach this past sunday…so unintended – that is so weird how it just snuck in there…and how it all just fits…God is good!).
Namibialand – the momories
Posted on: July 1, 2008
Intro
Our trip started on Friday, June 13th, 2008 at 2am – that’s when we left Stellenbosch. I remember driving past Mulmesberry and thinking “it’s weird how quiet everything gets and how life seems to stop at night” and looking up at the stars and realizing its been a while since I’ve seen stars. Then the next town I remember seeing was Springbok – an hour away from the South African/Namibian border. Not the best of sleeps but better than nothing.
On the trip back, the opposite happened. We left at around 7:30pm and I was thinking “well, at least this time I’ll get to see more of the trip”. The next thing I remember we were at the border and it was my turn to go in the back of the bakkie to go get some sleep. I love travel induced sleep. I arrived back home at 4:30 am and was in my bed and off to la-la-land by 4:45.
Part 1 – Namrock
The first part of the trip was a camp from the 13th to the 16th. There were about 90 people from all around South Africa and it was held on a farm just outside the town of Karasburg – and by just outside I mean about 100 km of dirt road. Camping, tents, long-drop toilets, no cell phone reception…not my idea of fun, I much prefer “camps” with chalets and indoor plumbing and hot water. But I must say, the beauty of that place made up for it all. Waking up in the mornings and watching the sunrise come up and light up the desert. Falling asleep under a multitude of stars that you would never get to see in Stellenbosch. Waking up to the sound of birds in the morning instead of cars screeching past. Watching a guy fall 3 meters down a mountain then get up and walk the rest of the way back down…another story for another day. I love technology as much as the next guy, but sometimes its good to just get away from it all – cell phones, facebook, tv, etc. And the bonus was we got to eat fresh Kudu meat as the owner of the farm decided to go and hunt a kudu for us.
Part 2 – Namibia
The second part of the trip was in Keetmanshoop (from the 16th to the 19th). 6 of us (Ronel, Kevin, Brett, Vania, Gareth, and I) stayed in Namibia at the end of the camp while everyone else went back home. At this point I was starting to regret that decision. I missed my bed and hot showers and fast food. We were going to do a mission type thing with the vineyard church there and the only thing our fearless leader knew was that we were going to 2 or 3 schools (the number changed everytime we talked about it) and maybe a prison and maybe a hospital. On the last day of camp we asked where we were going to be staying and he says “the church is supposed to organize. I think we’re going to stay at the church. We might all have to share one room.” and walks off and leaves us thinking “why are we doing this again? Oh yea, God!”. Anyway, it turns out the church has a cute little house on their property which they usually rent out but was empty now so we got to use that and it was the quaintest, cutest house and I absolutely loved it. So we got beds and “hot showers” (those who were there will understand), but a las, no fast food – not even a KFC.
Turns out we were ministering at 3 different schools and a hospital and leading the church service on Wednesday night and doing something with the youth group on Thursday; all this in 3 days (Tuesday to Thursday). We broke into 2 groups of 3 people and did two schools on Tuesday and Wednesday (each group went to a school twice in the two days – so 7 classes each day = 14 classes of around 30 students each) and then the got back together for the third school on Thursday, which was my favorite school of the three. We got there and we were rushing and running late and feeling really bad but the welcome we got was so awesome. The school choir sang for us, as we walked up to the front the applause was amazing, and the whole school sings like a choir of angels. It was so beautiful.
On the wednesday we also went to the hospital and talked to people and visited the childrens ward and ended up in the malnutrition kids room (but we didn’t know then why the kids were there) where we were playing with these 3 kids that we all thought were a few months old and they turned out to be and 2 and 3 year olds, but they look smaller cos their bodies weren’t developing properly. Hectic! And we also prayed for some ladies who were suffering from different stuff, from one who had a bleeding problem (yea, like the lady in the bible…so cool), to tb, to burns, to birth complications, etc. The prison didn’t happen though, which I don’t think we would have been able to do anyway cos we were so drained.
Thursday we did some sight-seeing (quiver tree forest and giant’s playground) and then we met with the youth group and prayed for them and gave them some encouragement and just talked to them a bit. Then we loaded up our bags and headed out. It was actually kinda funny cos we didn’t know everyone was going to be there (they were having a memorial service for someone that night) so when we got out there were people out there waiting to say good bye to us and it was all awesomeness. And I got to see my new “grandmother” again, who has offered me a place to stay when (notice, when not if) I return to visit again. I think I’ll have to take her up on that offer.
Ok, let me get to the conclusion already:
My highlight of NamRock was definitely the accute presence of God. Never before have I felt the presence of God that strongly in my life. I think he just wanted to remind me just how real he was. And I think it was just a reminder that when we draw closer to God, he draws closer to us, and that when we seek him with all our hearts, he will be found. And a reminder that sometimes I need to get away from it all and just spend time with him – just me and him – even if I’m surrounded by 87 other people.
My highlight of Keetmanshoop is definitely the people: the people we met at the church who just so blessed and loved us overwhelmingly; the three or four girls that I met at the schools who would ask me what my culture was and I’d say tswana and they would go “I’m tswana too” and smile from ear to ear cos it was like we could relate cos we had that one thing in common; the guy who saw the bible come alive for the first time and become a love story about him and God; the little girl I met when we were doing the rounds at the hospital who told me that Jesus is her heavenly Father; and the people I lived with during those 3 days who sometimes drove me crazy but who just made the trip so much cooler and funner.
Namibialand – Zephaniah 3:17
Posted on: June 23, 2008
The Lord your God is with you
He is mighty to save
He will take great delight in you
He will quiet you with his love
He will rejoice over you with singing
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The whole time I was in Namibia (13 – 19 June) God was constantly bringing up this verse. He used it to encourage me, strenthen me, comfort me, challenge me and just work so mightily in me.
Break down:
The Lord your God is with you – whether in Namibia or South Africa, in the church building or at work, in good times or when stress just overwhelms me, HE IS THERE. I was thinking, “right, I’m in nature in Namibia away from work and other distractions and I’m gonna feel God’s presence and hear Him talk to me” and he just so gently reminded me that, he’s always there. All the time. Whether I feel his presence or not, whether I’m listening or not – He’s always there longing to talk to me.
He is mighty to save – he is…not me. He does the work, I just have to be willing to be used. I was really scared (super excited but scared) about the mission trip after the camp cos I thought I had nothing to bring to the team or to the people of Namibia. And he just reminded me that the work is his, I just have to show up and let him work through me. Not by my own strength or might…but his.
He will take great delight in you – anyone who knows anything about my relationship with my (biological/earthly) father will know why this part of the verse means so much to me. I just got this sense that God was saying He notices when I try. And even though I fail he knows where my heart is and he is pleased with me. Like he has that same feeling he did with Job – bragging to satan that “yea, that one is mine”. Or like the progical son’s father who runs to the son no matter the mistakes that the son makes, the father is just so delighted to have him back. Like…I don’t know, there’s nothing I can ever do that would make him love me any less.
He will quiet you with his love – after the stress I’ve been under at work and the weirdness and sickness my body has been going through that verse spoke so loudly to me when I sat back and just chilled with God. His presence was so evident. Almost like I could physically feel his hand on me. And the rest…the peace…transcending all understanding. He just felt so real…more real than he’s ever felt before. It was beautiful…beyond beautiful. He is AWESOME in the true sense of the word.
He will rejoice over you with singing – I dare you to say that line and not smile from ear to ear. God, the creator of the universe, the one who holds it all together, the king of kings and Lord of Lords, the alpha and omega, the great I AM, parter of the red sea…HE SINGS OVER ME. Such love, such wonderous love. And then I got to thinking, I wonder if God feels the same way when I truly worship him. Like does he get this “all’s good now” feeling when I lay myself down at his feet and worship him in spirit and in truth? And then I started thinking “how often do I do that?” Most of the time during the worship service I’m more concerned with how my voice sounds or whether the other people will look at me funny if I just let it all go before Him (cos you know, I am that important that everyone in church is just listening to me and watching me – yea, I know how ridiculous it all is). I wanna be able to sing to God unashamedly and praise him without inhibitions – lay me and my insecurities before him and just see his beauty and majesty and magnificense.
I wanna be able to say “I will serve no other gods but you” and mean it with every fiber of my being.
I wanna fall in love with him all over again…every morning of every day that he blesses me with.
wait…what? THAT is the pastor?
Posted on: June 11, 2008
- In: being Christ-like | my life | thoughts
- 2 Comments
I just found out last week, and was reminded again tonight, that a couple of the Vision k leaders have been stalking me online (hi Gerrit, hi Deane) which kinda makes me tempted to hide…like not really write what I really want to write…cos that’s what I do best, hide. But as I said in the beginning I want this blog to be 100% honest so…let’s go.
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The very first time I went to Vineyard, I remember this guy going up to the front, taking off his shoes and then proceeding to tell us about his adventures of getting lost in the middle of the night and driving out to a town I don’t know how far past where he was actually going,and then he ran out of petrol, and then ending up sleeping in the lobby of some hotel. Then someone else came up, read from the Afrikaans bible, then the dude came back up, read from the English bible and then went on to preach. At this point I was like “wait…what? THAT is the pastor?” I later found out that he is the youth/student pastor of vineyard (Brett).
I went back to that church for the evening service because it was so different from the other churches I’d always attended. It felt different. The people I talked to afterwards seemed like…well…Christians. At the evening service another guy came up to me and introduced himself, asked a bit about me…and he seemed cool enough. I didn’t go to the morning services a lot cos I would go to my family church in the mornings, but I still went back for the evening services. A couple months down the line I visited the morning service and found out that the cool guy who had introduced himself that first evening is the senior pastor of the church (Chris).
So this totally throws me for a spin. At every church I’ve gone to before Vineyard, you could tell from a mile away who the pastor was. Either because they have that special front row seat or because of how they dress (not in jeans and a t-shirt like Chris, or preaching barefooted like Brett). There was always something that said, “I am your pastor, I am your leader. Welcome to my church.” What I got from Chris and Brett is “I am human, I am one of you, God is just using me to speak to you.” I like that.
I sometimes think very religiously. I’ve been seeing places in my life that are very religious and I’m trying to work on them now…hence the wanting to be less of a Christian and more of a Jesus follower. I think that is one area of my life I do that…I judge people and try to put them in comfortable boxes so that they can fit my ideas of what I think they should be or how I think they should behave. Sometimes when I talk to Brett I find myself thinking “Dude, you’re a pastor…you can’t say that”. I find myself thinking “Dude, you are way too human to be a pastor”. But that’s what pastors are right? Human beings that God has called to teach/explain/preach/whatever, same as the rest of us…we are all instruments that God is using to reach someone else.
So yea, another area I need to work on…seeing people as people and not pre-judging them or trying to box them into some predefined notion of how *I* think they should be.
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Off to Namibia on Friday – apparently leaving at 3 am. So stoked. Can’t wait. Really need the time off from work and really wanting God to use me in someone’s life during the “mission-trip” and really expecting him to work big time in my heart and mind over the camp weekend.
Yay – just a few more days.
Pride (in the name of love)
Posted on: June 3, 2008
Ok, its not in the name of love, but that song is really cool…and MLK Jr was assassinated on my birthday…and the song is about him…and none of that has anything to do with what I’m gonna write about…so sorry for wasting your time.
I am going to write about pride however. Pride…bad thing. If you don’t already have one, do yourself a favour and stay far far away from it. Ok, so I’m going to let you into the life of me a little bit.
I am a software developer by profession…and I suck at it. I’ve been working on this small part of a program for what seems like 2 years. Ok, it’s been 2 weeks not years but it’s felt like 2 years. Why? Cos I got stuck and because of my pride I couldn’t ask for help. I have been stressing myself up and wearing my body and mind down just so that I can keep up the appearance that I know what I’m doing. Which is stupid cos I’m pretty sure everyone already knew I didn’t know what I was doing. If I did, it wouldn’t have taken me more than one week.
So yea, lots of stress for the past week or so. Lots of headaches and backaches. And nothing to show for it. Only when I decided to lay my pride aside and ask for help did I finally figure out what the heck I was doing. But that’s a weeks worth of stress I can never get back. It’s a good thing my company gave me a voucher for a massage parlor on my birthday. Where they planning way back then to stress me out so much?
Anyway, so yea, pride. It has no place in the life of a Christian. Pride puts focus on me…on what I can do…not on what Christ can do in and through me. I feel like a failure because I don’t let him carry me. I feel stupid cos I don’t ask for help when I need it. I let God down because I don’t believe that he placed people in my life for me to learn from them and grow from them. I’m so me focused that I don’t realise what a blessing it is to have people in my life who actually want to help me.
I’m so blessed to have a boss like my boss. I would have probably have been fired a long time ago at another company. And all that I have gotten in life, I know is because of God’s great and merciful/graceful favour and nothing I’ve done, so then where does this pride come from. Who the hell do I think I am?
So yea, here’s to letting go and letting God.
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In a week and a half I will be going to Namibia to a camp and then a mini-mission thing. I think it’s gonna rock. I know it’s gonna rock. I know God’s gonna do some awesome stuff in and through me…that’s if I let him. Maybe that’s what the pride lesson is all about. Remembering in that week while I’m there that it’s not about me or my abilities but his ability to use me.
I’m so stoked!
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One quick unrelated thing: I think I’m never gonna get married. Why? I’m too picky as some would say. I’m just not finding what I’m looking for and when I do find it, it’s taken or not interested. So yea, single for life.
Oh and another thing, at what point do you think to yourself “Ok, I’ve been trying to call and call and she’s not picking up so maybe she doesn’t want to talk to me”? Do you ever reach that point, or do you just keep calling until she changes her number or get’s the police involved…cos that’s about where I am right now. 10 missed calls a day from the same number kinda screams desperate (and stalker tendencies) to me…and well…you may be desperate but I’m not so please move along.
I guess it’s my fault for giving him my number though.
Oh wait one more thing on guys: I met this guy today. He was kinda cool. We talked for a bit. I laughed…and I haven’t really laughed that much in a while cos my mind has been so preoccupied with work. On a normal day I probably wouldn’t have even talked to him…and I still don’t know why I decided to talk to him then…but I was glad I did…until he asked me out. Once again…single for life I tell ya. Him asking me out just depressed me. Just ruined the moment. Seriously, the moment he did, I just felt like I needed to get out of there…and I said something stupid then pretty much ran away. Anyway, that’s life.
Why can’t I be interested in the guys that are interested in me? Maybe cos I think I deserve better and I’m worth more…or is that just my pride talking?
