Posts Tagged ‘namrock’
so the final lost episode right? i mean it was…confusing…and brilliant…and oh my gosh, what a way to go out.
uhm…oh wait, i didn’t watch it. i don’t actually watch lost…i think i did catch a bit of season 1 and i thought that was pretty good, but haven’t really gotten into it.
anyway, that’s not what this post is really about. it is more about the fact that i’ve lost my passport. i have no idea where it is. i need it to get to namibia in a few weeks for namrock…so much sadness.
but to be truly honest, i’m not as amped for namibia as i was last year or the year before. with that said, i don’t know if getting a new passport is worth it. if i’m not amped about namrock, should i be wasting my time and money by going? i mean i’m pretty sure it would not be a waste, it would be awesome and i’d meet with God and stuff but still…i don’t know. i’m just in a weird mood. i find it weird that i’m not amped about NamRock.
my system to remember where things are is failing me…eek!
i bought the guitar. i love it. it’s beautiful. it’s awesome. i’m addicted.
next step: how to balance my time and be a good steward of that. i.e. not to spend all my time on the guitar and neglect the other things i should be doing. i really am enjoying learning to play, so much so that i get so lost in the playing that i sometimes lose track of time and have been late to things a couple of times – for example, worship practice. i play all the time when i’m home, and when i’m at work i think of playing.
i guess it’s a good distraction at times, but i don’t want it to be all i do.
i need to get out of debt, which is part of being a good steward of God’s money. i want to pay up what i owe on my credit card and start paying things in cash. problem is unplanned things keep coming up…for instance i had to go to a funeral this past weekend in the free state, which meant using the card to buy bus tickets (travelling by bus sucks – seriously…but it’s way less expensive than travelling by plane so…). i also used the card to pay for the guitar, so now it’s building up. i have to go back home (free state) in april, which means again buying tickets. i need to have finished paying it all off by end of april if i plan to go to camp worship in may and namrock in june (oh, i can’t imagine missing namrock).
Fortunately, the day I bought the guitar i payed off the amount for the world cup tickets so at least that’s taken care of.
I just really need to get my finances in order.
So those are my two stewardship goals for now: 1. make time for the guitar but don’t let it take up all my time. 2. get debt-free; pay up all the money i owe on my credit card.
So I was trying to remember 2009 so that my last post of the year chould be a review of sorts…but I really couldn’t remember anything.
So then I went through my facebook photo albums and the ones that stand out the most are (in no particular order):
1. day in the park/beach – in Jan, Brett decided that for his birthday celebrations he was going to help out with a take-the-kids-from-an-orphanage-out-for-the-day-to-the-beach-and-love-them-day thing…and he invited people to go and help out, and i went, and it was awesomtastic. then in april and again in november some people from our church organised a take-the-kids-from-an-orphanage-out-for-the-day-to-the-park-and-love-them-day thing and once again i decided to join in. and again it was awesomtastic. i’m not the most kid-friendly person in the world…like, i would suck at being a kindergarten teacher, but i really do enjoy spending time with kids and just loving on them and making them feel wanted and loved and adored and listened to and whatever, even if it was for one day atleast they got to feel special.
2. vision k/youth/scripture union camp – as i said, i would suck at being a kindergarten teacher. and i would probably suck at being a middle/high school teacher as well, but if i had to choose, i would go for the middle/high school age group. so i’ve talked a bit about my exploits with vision k this year, and i may have mentioned the scripture union leadership camp as well – can’t remember, but yea, both of those and the youth group at my church have been highlights in my life this year. i truly do enjoy hanging out with youth and finding out where they are and if possible helping in their journey towards adulthood. i’ve been through the teenage years myself, and sometimes i still act like i’m going through them, and i remember how hard it was for me, so any help i can give someone else…
3. turning 25 – i liked turning 25. scary, yet…super cool. like i felt like i was finally an adult in a lot of ways. turning 26 is not scary, but it feels kinda sucky, don’t know if i’m going to enjoy it much.
4. namrock/baptism – so wrote a lot on namrock, and wrote about getting baptised. and definite highlights they were.
5. worship team – lots of memories. lots of laughs. lots of growing. thankfulness.
6. http://tsholo.wordpress.com/2009/10/02/worship-setlist-september-27-2009/ – i’ve been to PE quite a few times, and i always…well, i guess hate is a strong word but…well, it’s the right word. i always hated it. i was ok with like 2 days, but after that i was ready to leave. this year my dad moved to PE, then my sister also moved there. at the end of the year my lil bro is also moving there. so it will just be me and my mom in the western cape (sadness). but yea, the visit in september was so awesomtastic, i didn’t want to leave. and i’m looking forward to visiting again first week of next year…and throughout 2010. PE Love!
7. flatmating – had a super awesomtastic flatmate this year. i learned a lot from her and i totally appretiate the flatmate she was and all the talks and all the laughs and discovering “The OC” together and our late night dvd’ing and sms’ing each other from the other side of the wall and the sharing and all of it, it’s been great Lindz, will miss sharing a flat with you.
8. music and friends – the south african music scene is wow! and it’s even better when it’s live, and it’s shared with friends. new altum, flat stanley, just jinjer, aking, gravity wins again, straatligkinders, irvine, lua union, the lottery tickets, heldervue, black markets riots, 3rd world spectator, saint fearless, the rescue, tree63, the arrows, bed on bricks – just off the top of my head. memorable moments also include: being kidnapped and forced to go to the beach at 2 am when i was working the next morning, sneaking into the botanical gardens after it was closed and having a photo shoot after making a 20 minute video of us talking nonsense, TEAM AWESOMTASTIC, awesomtastic enGAGE dinners at Ginos and awesomtastic cricket watching at Ginos, SUPER inappropriate conversations and the birth of SOKs…and so much more…I really thank God for friends!
and then two more not in the photo albums, just to round it off
9. blogging – nablopomo(?) was really good for my blogging…blogging everyday for a month is not easy, totally respect those who do it year round. good and challenging. blogging has been so good for me though. it’s been a place for me to just spill what’s in my head onto something else and just get it out of my system so that it doesn’t take over. so thank you for reading.
10. God – lots of up and downs, lots of screaming and shouting, lots of late night pop-corn and cookies and ice-cream (He loves those), lots of laughing, lots of reminders, lots of fulfilled promises, lots of pouring on of LOVE, lots of us time, too much ingnoring from my side, lots of forgiveness, lots of convictions, lots of happiness and joy, more love and more reminders, lots of blessings, lots of breathe, lots of guidance, lots of mercy and grace, more love, lots of comforting, lots of more reminders for/to hope, lots of everything. Everything and LOVE!
and one more that had nothing to do with me but stands out this year was the wedding of the fish and TBV…read about it here.
it has rendered me speechless.
so I have decided to do a repost of my favorite of the last 99 posts so far…i’m sorry…as I said – speechless – unless it’s laziness, then I’m double sorry.
Namibialand – Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is with you
He is mighty to save
He will take great delight in you
He will quiet you with his love
He will rejoice over you with singing
The whole time I was in Namibia (13 – 19 June ) God was constantly bringing up this verse. He used it to encourage me, strenthen me, comfort me, challenge me and just work so mightily in me.
The Lord your God is with you – whether in Namibia or South Africa, in the church building or at work, in good times or when stress just overwhelms me, HE IS THERE. I was thinking, “right, I’m in nature in Namibia away from work and other distractions and I’m gonna feel God’s presence and hear Him talk to me” and he just so gently reminded me that, he’s always there. All the time. Whether I feel his presence or not, whether I’m listening or not – He’s always there longing to talk to me.
He is mighty to save – he is…not me. He does the work, I just have to be willing to be used. I was really scared (super excited but scared) about the mission trip after the camp cos I thought I had nothing to bring to the team or to the people of Namibia. And he just reminded me that the work is his, I just have to show up and let him work through me. Not by my own strength or might…but his.
He will take great delight in you – anyone who knows anything about my relationship with my (biological/earthly) father will know why this part of the verse means so much to me. I just got this sense that God was saying He notices when I try. And even though I fail he knows where my heart is and he is pleased with me. Like he has that same feeling he did with Job – bragging to satan that “yea, that one is mine”. Or like the progical son’s father who runs to the son no matter the mistakes that the son makes, the father is just so delighted to have him back. Like…I don’t know, there’s nothing I can ever do that would make him love me any less.
He will quiet you with his love – after the stress I’ve been under at work and the weirdness and sickness my body has been going through that verse spoke so loudly to me when I sat back and just chilled with God. His presence was so evident. Almost like I could physically feel his hand on me. And the rest…the peace…transcending all understanding. He just felt so real…more real than he’s ever felt before. It was beautiful…beyond beautiful. He is AWESOME in the true sense of the word.
He will rejoice over you with singing – I dare you to say that line and not smile from ear to ear. God, the creator of the universe, the one who holds it all together, the king of kings and Lord of Lords, the alpha and omega, the great I AM, parter of the red sea…HE SINGS OVER ME. Such love, such wonderous love. And then I got to thinking, I wonder if God feels the same way when I truly worship him. Like does he get this “all’s good now” feeling when I lay myself down at his feet and worship him in spirit and in truth? And then I started thinking “how often do I do that?” Most of the time during the worship service I’m more concerned with how my voice sounds or whether the other people will look at me funny if I just let it all go before Him (cos you know, I am that important that everyone in church is just listening to me and watching me – yea, I know how ridiculous it all is). I wanna be able to sing to God unashamedly and praise him without inhibitions – lay me and my insecurities before him and just see his beauty and majesty and magnificense.
I wanna be able to say “I will serve no other gods but you” and mean it with every fiber of my being.
I wanna fall in love with him all over again…every morning of every day that he blesses me with.
last entry in my Lessons Learned at NamRock series…this is a not serious post…
I used to think musicians are hot…they aren’t! No really, it’s not the musician that’s attractive, it’s the instrument. I was sitting all by my lonesome at the welcome station at NamRock and so I decided to get my (actually Stephen’s) guitar and just do some practicing. As soon as I got the guitar, anyone who went anywhere near the station suddenly stopped to talk to me and ask me to play…which was really cool – not the playing cos I didn’t actually play anything, but the talking to people. I met a lot of people through it.
At one point I had the whole Durban/Gauteng crew and some Western Capers sitting in/around the truck with me…just cos I was holding a guitar – didn’t even need to play anything…just holding the instrument was enough. (And just by the way, thanks to the Durban crew for restoring my faith in Durban guys.)
So if you want more friends, get a musical instrument. That’s the lesson.
and that is why i attended a songwriting workshop at NamRock . jokes, that’s not why i attended it, but the workshop was totally awesome (thanks Charl) – complete with lyrics like “shake me, break me, make me” (highlight! – thanks Beth).
Thoughts that came from the lesson:
When I was a kid I wanted to be a singer – the next Miriah Carey…then I realised I can’t sing, and the dream died…Now I want to be be a songwriter…not professionally – no one is ever going to see what i write – but I want to be able to make music. I want to be part of the music making…i don’t just want to listen to it or sing it, but i want to make music…don’t know if that makes sense to anyone outside my head. I love music…I’m passionate about music. I…anyway, don’t know how to say what i’m thinking/feeling right now. I express myself so much better through song, even if it’s someone else’s song…there’s always a song to say what i’m thinking/feeling.
a secondary reason that i want to be a musician is that i want to own like a whole roomful of guitars like David Crowder…and as many pedals as john mayer wouldn’t hurt either…
God talks to me through music a lot. He’s often used songs to draw me to himself and to convict me and to remind me of his promises and to wake me up and and and…For instance, there was a point when I was struggling with this whole “unconditional love” concept and he used the song “how he loves us” by kim walker to tell me that i really don’t need to understand the how or why, i just need to know that he does and live in that and be in awe…cos that’s what the song is saying to me – wow, he loves us so much…with a jealous love…it’s overwhelming…but it’s real…i don’t understand it…and i don’t need to…it’s enough to know that he does…wow, he really does!
So that’s why i want to make music…cos I think there’s a lot to say, and when I can’t say it in plain words, I think that music will help me express it better. I think.
And I think God really likes music, almost as much as frisbee, cos he created it to be so beautiful and so heart-wrenching and so moving…and also cos he delights over me with singing (Zephaniah 3:17).
This is part 2 of 3 in my lessons learned at NamRock series
This year’s NamRock was very different for me spiritually. I mean, the worship was just as great as last year’s…but…
Last year NamRock was a pit stop on the way to Keetmanshoop…the only reason I went to NamRock was to go to the mission trip afterwards…and while there in that desert I met with God and it was beautiful. This year I went with an expectation for the same to happen. I still felt God’s presence…but it wasn’t as tangible as it had been last year. I knew He was there but…I don’t know, it was more of the knowledge than an actually feeling.
So last year we had this one hour of quiet thing where we all went away for one hour of silence. No talking, just listening to God. And God spoke to me lots…he revealed a lot of stuff and encouraged me and stuff…and it was super good and awesomtastic.
This year, it was 2 hours of silence. So I was expecting God to do twice as much talking. But he didn’t. In fact, there was 2 whole hours of silence from both sides. And once I got into it and stopped trying to hear him, it became as super good and awesometastic as last year. It was a great time of refreshment, Him and I just chilling, not needing to talk…just comfortable silence. And the two hours went by way too fast.
So yea, I think this year was a lot about that…just sitting back in awe as opposed to having to do stuff…or be somewhere…or trying…it was
just about resting in Him…with Him.
And that happened.
Another good thing about NamRock, Lindri and Mike both pointed this out, is how good it is to be there with like-minded people. Over 100 people all gathered together to just worship God…people hungry to hear from him, and see him move, and seeking him…his will. So good.
It makes it that much more hard to come back to reality though. Knowing that people might think you are narrow-minded and stupid and wrong for believing what you believe. At camp you have your support group…everyone is looking out for everyone else…and we are all family…what I think heaven will be like. Here in the real world though…different story. You are quickly reminded that you are in the world, you are a stranger, an alien…you don’t belong.
It’s crazy how weird it was being back home…like I’d seen a glimpse of what could be and now I was back to what is…and it kinda hurt…and I longed to be back at camp, chilling with God and God’s people…being around people who are worshipping him and being encouraged challenged to do likewise in my life…but I guess that’s what it’s about right…what’s the point of being encouraged and challenged if there’s no world to live it out in.
I don’t know if that last sentence made sense.
Basically, I needed that rest and restoration so that I could come back here and be a light and a city on a hill. And as much as I long for my rightful home, I have a job/purpose here on this foreign land…and I need to live that out.
This is part 1 of 3 in my series on Lesson Learned at NamRock
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
We are on our way to NamRock and as we pass through Mulmesberry (sp?) I think “oh hey, this is where Marc and Wil and Ernst and Kevin are from…hmmm…no work today…oh shoot, I forgot to check in my work…oh crap, they are supposed to test that stuff, how are they going to get to it…oh crap…I’m gonna be so fired when I get back next week…” and from there the seed is planted. Thoughts like these crept into my head, get settled there and make a comfortable home for themselves. Seriously I dwelled on these thoughts until I started to crash… Lunchtime we stopped at Springbok…I already had a headache and my body was tense from the stress and I was freak’n hungry…seriously hungry…and everyone was taking soooo long to buy food for the next two days…and I was getting ready to scream…or kill someone…or something. Anyway, eventually we end up going to lunch and I ate and I was full and I felt better…but the worrying and stressing was still there…and the crash came.
I just told everyone that I was going to try and sleep, so I put my headphones on and shut the world out. I put the song “My God is Amazing” by Surrender Band on repeat and tried to listen to it…but nothing was going in. I was freaking out. I had let the stress and worry go on too long and now I couldn’t snap out of it. I lay there for a while…just lay there…and tried not to think – impossible task.
The thing is, I’m sure that none of the people in the car with me that day would even guess that I was stressing, not even Lindri knew I was stressing until I told her about it a couple of days later. I stress on the inside…I don’t let it show…I go on with life pretending it’s not happening. Which, I think, makes it worse cos I let it fester without an outside influence to put it into perspective.
Anyway, at some point the car starts slowing down and I think we are coming to another rest-stop, but as I lift my head I realize that we are in the middle of nowhere. I take my headphones off just in time to hear someone say “Are you slowing down, or is it slowing down on it’s own?” and Stephen answers “I’m not doing anything”. I ask what’s happening and find out we are out of petrol. Great…one more thing…just what we need! The guys say we should push the car to Karasburg, I disagree…seriously? push? to Karasburg? yea we see the town’s lights, but we don’t really know how far we are. I’d rather just walk there and walk back. Lindri’s suggestion: Let’s pray. So we do…or they do…and I just assume that God will provide a way anyway, he already knows our needs so why pray…and I immediately get convicted about the way I take God’s provision for granted. I just assume he will provide (which he does) and I don’t ask…but he tells us to ask, not because he doesn’t already know, but because he wants us to talk to him, to go to him with our needs. So inwardly I just say “Daddy, obviously you didn’t bring us to Namibia to leave us out in the middle of nowhere…and as you know, I’m a girl so I’m not going to push the car to Karasburg…so please make another way. Amen” and as I open my eyes I see lights approaching.
The lights turned out to be an ambulance, who though they were on their way to take someone to the hospital, stopped for us and gave Stephen and Lind a lift into town to buy petrol and brought them back. While they were gone I managed to get some unwinding in…I stopped trying not to stress, and instead let Him clear my head of all those negative thoughts… and that is how I managed to stop stressing (thanks also to the musical stylings of Mr Durant).
When the other two came back, we spent a few minutes outside looking up at the stars in awe at just how AWESOMELY AMAZING He is. And I thought “he *is* BIG enough to handle my work stuff when I get back”. So yea, I think that was part of the plan. He wanted to make sure I don’t go into NamRock with all that worry and all that stress…and had we not run out of petrol we would not have stopped there and just sat in amazement at his display…
He really does care!
Monday, June 15, 2009
I decided long before NamRock that I was going to take the plunge…as in get baptised…I even asked Lindri to be the baptist/baptiser/i-don’t-know-what-they-are-called, but as the days crept closer I started having doubts. The decision to get baptised was not made lightly. I researched, I asked people, I thought and pondered and prayed before I made that decision…which should have been a relatively easy decision to make I think solely because Joshua Davidson commands baptism and that should be enough for it to happen but it took me a loooong time to decide to do it, and after making the decision it took about a year for it to actually happen. For some reason it scared me…couldn’t tell you why. Throughout the camp I kept telling Lindri that I’m thinking of backing out.
Baptism is symbolic right? So to do the act without the inner-something is really just putting on a show. And I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to just go there and get baptised just to say I’m baptised, I wanted to make sure that my heart was in-line with my actions. That when I took that dip it was reflective of where my heart is.
Anyway, so the day finally dawns and I’m pretty sure I’m gonna back out. Then we go on a little hike ‘up the valley’ and do some free worship which was so awesome. And at some point I go a few feet away from everyone else and decide to just do some praying and so I tell God that I’m thinking of backing out because I don’t know where my heart is…and I’m all “if you really want this to happen today, then tell me so”…I wait…and nothing! So I walk back to join everyone. As I get there the singing stops and a couple of people come up to share testimony-type-stuff and then Pieter comes up and says “if anyone is interested in being baptised today, please speak to Jancie…” and I’m all ok, cool I’ll do it.
So I got baptised…because He said so. And I did some soul/heart searching before taking the plunge just to make sure I was really doing it for the right reasons. And no, there were no doves or audible voices, but I’m sure God was pleased. So the decision is made, and now the walk begins/continues…and this time I’ve got witnesses to keep me accountable.
Oh and just before I actually got baptised, Kev (I think) says “are you sure you really want to do this? you do know what this means right?” and i’m all “what?” and he says “i don’t know” and Val (I think) says “it means you are giving up your will for his, so if it’s his will for you to be single for life you have to do it” and we all laughed…but yea, that’s what it meant for me…giving up my plans, laying down my wants, for the beautiful plan he has…even if it means being single for life (but hopefully it’s not).
And thanks to Natalie for the talk that evening…was a blessing and a huge encouragement…
Ok, its not in the name of love, but that song is really cool…and MLK Jr was assassinated on my birthday…and the song is about him…and none of that has anything to do with what I’m gonna write about…so sorry for wasting your time.
I am going to write about pride however. Pride…bad thing. If you don’t already have one, do yourself a favour and stay far far away from it. Ok, so I’m going to let you into the life of me a little bit.
I am a software developer by profession…and I suck at it. I’ve been working on this small part of a program for what seems like 2 years. Ok, it’s been 2 weeks not years but it’s felt like 2 years. Why? Cos I got stuck and because of my pride I couldn’t ask for help. I have been stressing myself up and wearing my body and mind down just so that I can keep up the appearance that I know what I’m doing. Which is stupid cos I’m pretty sure everyone already knew I didn’t know what I was doing. If I did, it wouldn’t have taken me more than one week.
So yea, lots of stress for the past week or so. Lots of headaches and backaches. And nothing to show for it. Only when I decided to lay my pride aside and ask for help did I finally figure out what the heck I was doing. But that’s a weeks worth of stress I can never get back. It’s a good thing my company gave me a voucher for a massage parlor on my birthday. Where they planning way back then to stress me out so much?
Anyway, so yea, pride. It has no place in the life of a Christian. Pride puts focus on me…on what I can do…not on what Christ can do in and through me. I feel like a failure because I don’t let him carry me. I feel stupid cos I don’t ask for help when I need it. I let God down because I don’t believe that he placed people in my life for me to learn from them and grow from them. I’m so me focused that I don’t realise what a blessing it is to have people in my life who actually want to help me.
I’m so blessed to have a boss like my boss. I would have probably have been fired a long time ago at another company. And all that I have gotten in life, I know is because of God’s great and merciful/graceful favour and nothing I’ve done, so then where does this pride come from. Who the hell do I think I am?
So yea, here’s to letting go and letting God.
In a week and a half I will be going to Namibia to a camp and then a mini-mission thing. I think it’s gonna rock. I know it’s gonna rock. I know God’s gonna do some awesome stuff in and through me…that’s if I let him. Maybe that’s what the pride lesson is all about. Remembering in that week while I’m there that it’s not about me or my abilities but his ability to use me.
I’m so stoked!
One quick unrelated thing: I think I’m never gonna get married. Why? I’m too picky as some would say. I’m just not finding what I’m looking for and when I do find it, it’s taken or not interested. So yea, single for life.
Oh and another thing, at what point do you think to yourself “Ok, I’ve been trying to call and call and she’s not picking up so maybe she doesn’t want to talk to me”? Do you ever reach that point, or do you just keep calling until she changes her number or get’s the police involved…cos that’s about where I am right now. 10 missed calls a day from the same number kinda screams desperate (and stalker tendencies) to me…and well…you may be desperate but I’m not so please move along.
I guess it’s my fault for giving him my number though.
Oh wait one more thing on guys: I met this guy today. He was kinda cool. We talked for a bit. I laughed…and I haven’t really laughed that much in a while cos my mind has been so preoccupied with work. On a normal day I probably wouldn’t have even talked to him…and I still don’t know why I decided to talk to him then…but I was glad I did…until he asked me out. Once again…single for life I tell ya. Him asking me out just depressed me. Just ruined the moment. Seriously, the moment he did, I just felt like I needed to get out of there…and I said something stupid then pretty much ran away. Anyway, that’s life.
Why can’t I be interested in the guys that are interested in me? Maybe cos I think I deserve better and I’m worth more…or is that just my pride talking?