Hope In Love

Posts Tagged ‘heart broken

she could have sworn that smile was for her. she could have sworn that he had smiled at the sight of her walking through the doors. but she wasn’t going to let that happen again. she was older, she was wiser, she now recognised the way in which her mind and heart had always tricked her in the past.

she didn’t dare look at him. she looked up, down, stared out the window, down at the table in front of her…anywhere but at him…which proved quite difficult with him standing on the stage in front of her. but she was determined. if she looked at him and he was looking at her, she would do something stupid…like smile…and give away her feelings…so she focused on not looking at him.

“why did i agreed to come to this gig with kelly in the first place?” she wondered. “this is definitely not condusive to getting over him.”

as the last notes of the last song rang out she knew it was time to get going.

“oh come on, there’s one more band…please let’s stay” kelly begged

she was in the middle of going through all the excuses why they couldn’t stay when she heard that voice…

the voice that had the power to somehow make her heart stop and beat faster simultaneously
the voice she had fallen in love with over 5 years ago
the voice she thought she’d wake up next to for the rest of her life…at least until last month when he told her that it wasn’t working for him anymore.

she turned around to see the eyes that went with that voice looking at her, and in that moment she knew she would forever be in love with that smile…

i tried to move on
but i seem to be moving in circles
i tried to run away
but you always seem to find me
i tried to forget you
but you keep resurfacing
i tried to forget
but the memories play on

that once beautiful smile
now cuts like a knife
that once beautiful voice
now brings me to tears
that once bautiful look
now causes me to hide
that once beautiful feeling
now feels like regret

and yet somehow they still remain beautiful

the credits have rolled
the music has stopped
the lights are back on
the curtain is shut

the show’s over
before it even began
as you walk out the theatre
my heart begins to accept

it’s time to say goodbye

i know they call it a heartbreak
but it’s not just my heart that’s broken

i mean my heart is definitely broken
instead of feeling good about the heart pulpatations you induce, it just hurts
my lungs are also broken
i have to constantly remind them to inhale and exhale
my tear ducts are broken
they won’t stop producing tears no matter how much i try to stop them
my memory is also broken
it’s on a never ending loop of the all the times spent with you
my hands, my feet, my eyes, my sense of smell, my lips
everything just aches to touch you, feel you, see you, smell you, taste you

every part of me is broken
and i don’t think it’s gonna get better anytime soon…

if i had it my way
i wouldn’t be here
you wouldn’t be there
we would be near

if i had it my way
things would make sense
pain wouldn’t be this intense
i wouldn’t live in the past tense

if i had it my way
you and i would be by the sea
together we’d conquer all we see
you’d still be with me

if i had it my way
forgiveness would be easy
life would be breezy
i wouldn’t sound so cheesy

Today I am joining in on a Blog Carnival over at Peter Pollock’s blog and today’s theme is grief.

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Today is world aids day…and as such i’m forced to think about people i know living with the virus or who have died from aids.

Mostly i think about my 2 cousins, who passed away in 2001 and 2008.

2001: I had been in the US for almost 6 years, and when i came back to SA, people had changed…life had changed…the strong friendships i had had before i moved to the US where no longer there…and so i turned to family. I had this one cousin named Artashiah. I really didn’t know her well before we went to the US, but when i moved back to SA she and I started talking and getting to know each other and it turned out that all along I had had this phenominal cousin that I had never taken the time to know. The more I talked to this chick, the more I liked her…and I was looking forward to spending more time with her and being friends with her. A few months after re-meeting her I got news that she was sick and depressed from her mom. When we asked what was wrong no-one was willing to say. She refused to see people and she just locked herself in her room all day. This was the total opposite of the Artashiah I had enjoyed spending time with…the bubbly, happy, optimistic person that I had come to know. A month later I got a phone call telling me that she has passed away. Apparently she caught the HI Virus and when she found out she went into a deep depression and didn’t care to fight it so AIDS took over pretty quickly.

2008: I grew up in the free state province here in SA. I also have family in the Eastern Cape province, but we weren’t very close. In fact, before 2001 I only remember going to the Eastern Cape twice. When we got back in 2001 we moved to the Western Cape province and started a new tradition of going to the Free State for Christmas and the Eastern Cape for New Years, that way we could see both sides of the family. Same thing again: had some cousins that I didn’t really know that I only met after the US trip that I really liked…one of them being Amanda. She reminded me a lot of Artashiah, except with Amanda there was a problem of language barrier (yay to SA’s 11 official languages: she was xhosa, i am Tswana, and she was not fluent in English), but we tried to make it work and we tried to communicate as much as we could. Then one evening I get a phone call that Amanda had died. When asked how all I was told was she had been really sick for a while. Amanda has a 8 year old son who’s been pretty sickly from birth. He’s a lot better now…I think they ARV treatment is working. So with her we knew from the get-go what it was even though no one wanted to verbalise it.

See in SA (especially in the black community I think) there’s still a huge stigma towards AIDS. People are still rather ignorant of the facts around HIV/AIDS so either people don’t get tested or if they do and they find out they are positive, they try to hide it…which leads to more infections and more deaths.

And everytime one more child is born HIV+ my heart breaks…everytime I lose someone I love because of AIDS my heart breaks…I want it to stop. I’m tired of losing family members and friends to this disease…and no matter how many I lose, the grieving process just doesn’t get any easier…

 This post was actually written a few weeks ago when I was dealing with a whole bunch of issues all at once.  Really crazy time.  Thanks to all those people who held my hand through it, especially those who’ve been through it before and might be getting tired of going through it all again.  Oh and those who are new in my life and are getting bombarded with all these issues straight off the bat.  Thanks for making me feel “special”.

—————————————————-

 is it truly possible to forgive and forget? if it is could someone please tell me how to do it.

 so, yesterday morning at church, Chris (pastor, vineyard christian fellowship, stellenbosch) was talking about the christian disciplines – which forgiveness happens to be one of. And he was saying how the disciplines isn’t something you do once and you forget about and move on – its something you keep practicing. I was also reading something about pretty much the same thing in the book “Starving Jesus” (I think). You may forgive someone something and you’ve worked through it and moved on and all, then one day it comes back again, and guess what…you forgive again and move on again. I hate that. i wanna forgive once, and move on. and never have to deal with the same thing again. Why? Cause I dealt with it. the reason i had to deal with it and forgive and move on in the first place was because it hurt – and having to deal with it again hurts again. and i really don’t like hurting.

———————————————— 

first weekend of march i went to a camp (vision k, i think i’ve mentioned the camp before) and during the camp we had a get-to-know-each-other session with the girls and most of them had father issues. and it hurt. it hurt that those girls were going thru what i went thru, and even worse stuff. when does it end? some of these girls – the stuff they went thru, i could never be able to handle it. i was so heart broken. so i cried…i cried for those girls and what they went thru; i cried because some of them will never know their true worth; i cried because some of them will go after the wrong guys in order to try and fill that empty space that the lack of a relationship with their father left. i cried for their stories and the other “fatherless generation” stories i’ve heard in the last 5 years or so that i’ve been involved with youth work/camps. at that point i wasn’t even thinking about my own issues. i dealt with them a few years ago, and again a couple of years ago…so they were dealt with and in the past and i had moved on.

then last night as i lay on my bed – after an emotional-roller-coaster evening service, they came up again. the hurt, the pain, the frustration…and as i lay there i thought “daddy, i’m tired of forgiving, and i’m tired of hurting over the same thing. i want to forget forever.” and the sermon from that morning came up again. and i thought about how i had asked God to help me put those things i’ve been learning at church and through the various books i’ve been reading into practice. so once again i have to decide to forgive – myself and my dad. it hurts but it has to be done. so yea, I forgive you!

so that’s 700 * 7 – 3.


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